Edward the Sugar Queen
by Nina Windia
Summary: Edward is a sugar addicted seventeen-year old who thinks he is a vampire. He is in love with Charlie Swan, who drives in the town's supply of sugar every week. But when Bella arrives, she decides to destroy their relationship and take Edward for her own.
1. My Honey Bear

**A/N**- This is a fic co-written with my younger brother under the penname here as 'Hairy Buttocks.' Check his stories out if you are looking for utter weirdness with a twist of lemony pevertedness.

_**Edward the Sugar Queen**_

_Chapter 1- My Honey Bear_

In the small town of Spoons, a large lorry was sweeping round the bend. It was full of sugar. The man driving it, Chief Swan, was whistling, the radio turned up loud.

Suddenly, he heard a loud bang from the roof, followed by several smaller ones. Someone was crawling over the metal top, and doing a very good impression of Spiderman.

"Oh fiddlesticks!" swore Charlie, knowing exactly what was going on. "Edward, get down from there!"

A moment later, a seventeen year old malnourished looking boy, his skin deathly pale, hung upside down over the windscreen like a lampshade. Charlie yelped in surprise, and swerved over the road, unable to see where he was going. But a moment later, Edward had vanished, and only seconds afterwards did he swing himself through the open window. His eyes were wide and manic.

"Honey Bear!" he cried gleefully, throwing himself into Charlie's lap. He had to pull left sharply to avoid ploughing into a tree.

"Don't do that Edward!" yelled Charlie. "I'm trying to drive!"

"Oh, don't yell at me Chief Swan. Don't you love me?" his manic eyes watered, and he begun to cry noisily. Charlie sighed.

"Don't cry boy, you're too old for that. And don't joke either; I know it's the sugar you love, not me." Now he began to look a bit tearful himself.

Edward swung his arms around Charlie's neck. "_Of course_ I love you!" he exclaimed, sounding shocked. Then he paused. "Can I have the sugar now?"

"**NO!**" yelled Charlie. But it was too late. Edward had already darted out the window. A moment later, a huge explosion rocked the van, and Charlie stomped on the break. He climbed out of the van to find sugar shooting out of the top like a geyser. The sugar had spilled everywhere; Edward had thrown off his clothes, and was rolling around gleefully in a massive pile of it. His skin was sparkling with tiny sugar crystals- this was the reason why the Indians in La Push thought he was a sparkly vampire; in actuality, he was just a rabid sugar addicted teenager, though admittedly, he was rather sparkly.

"EDWARD!" screamed Charlie, his face reddening; he looked as though he was going to explode. He lunged at Edward, and they rolled over the sugar mounds together, tumbling through the desert of sparkling crystals. However, Edward seemed to think that Charlie was tickling him, and he giggled furiously.

At that moment, a bus full of old ladies drove past, and they saw the Chief rolling around in the sugar with a naked teenager. They gasped, several fainted, and one phoned Childline.

Chief Swan shoved Edward away from him.

"Get lost you brat!" he yelled.

"Why?" asked Edward, his eyes wide and childish.

"Just… ugh. There's no point talking to you…" he flapped his arms, evidently giving up. "Now listen, go away. I have to go and pick up my daughter Bella. She's supposed to be arriving from Arizona in an hour. My ex-husband's disappeared with his new boyfriend, and they've dumped her on me all of a sudden."

"Can I come?" asked Edward happily.

"After what you just did?" roared Charlie.

But at once, Edward began to cry. Great big fat tears rolled down his cheeks and he wailed loudly. "I-I knew it! Y-y-you don't l-love me!"

Charlie sighed tiredly. He leant over, and patted the sobbing boy on the head.

"There there," he said. "You can come if you _really_ want."

"Hooray!" cried Edward, and he begun shoving sugar into his discarded trousers, tying the legs into knots. Charlie shook his head, and clambered back into the van.

* * *

At the airport, Bella Swan was waiting by the terminal, her luggage in hand. She looked through the swathe of people, all the while searching for her father.

"Aha!" she cried, when she eventually spotted him walking towards her. But then she frowned; something was different about him. He seemed to be covered in tiny white crystals, and was holding the hand of a sparkly naked teenage boy. He was grinning insanely, and clasped Charlie's hand tighter when he tried to pull away.

Bella's frown evaporated when she caught sight of Edward's face. Then her eyes wandered down, down, and she grinned dopily.

_I'm in love, _she thought, swooning.

Charlie and Edward approached, their hands still entwined.

"Hi," Bella said dreamily, her focus fixed entirely on the sparkly boy. _He looks just like a statue of Adonis. His hair is like silk and honey, and his skin is marble. It's sparkly… like sugar?_

"Hello," said Edward chirpily. "Do you have any sherbet?"

"Uh… no sorry," she mumbled, drool pooling in the corner of her mouth.

"Oh," said Edward boredly, and he turned and hugged Charlie tightly. "I love you, Honey Bear!"

Bella's eyes narrowed.

"Let's get back to the van," said Charlie tiredly.

They clambered into the sugar truck, all squeezing into the front seats. Edward sat in the middle, distracting Charlie by leaning over and licking the sugar off the side of his face every once in a while. Bella, who had spent the first five minutes staring google-eyed into the rear view mirror (in which she had a perfect view of Edward's sparkling whangdoodle) quickly became irritated by this.

"Dad, you never told me you had another boyfriend!" she blurted out. "Especially someone so… young!" She stared at her father condescendingly. His face swiftly turned a bright red.

"It's not like that!" he said quickly, but Edward turned his puppy dog eyes on him, and Charlie ran a tired hand through his hair. "Bella, this is Edward. Edward, Bella."

"Nice to meet you Edward!" said Bella excitedly, but Edward paid no attention; he was distracted again licking furiously at Charlie's face, like a dog lapping at water. Charlie watched as Bella's face grew dark, a storm passing over her eyes. He quickly shoved Edward away.

"Listen," said Chief Swan quietly, leaning across to her. "It's not what you think it is. He's one of the loons from Dr Carlisle Cullen's institution out of town. He's got some serious problems. Carlisle asked me to be nice to him; what could I do?"

Bella crossed her arms, pursing her lips, but in the end she said, "Fine."

As the sugar lorry rolled up to their house, Edward hopped out, leaping through the kitchen window where he made himself a cup of cold coffee, filling it to the top with sugar. When Bella approached he snarled at her, covering his cup with his hands, and baring his sugar-decayed black teeth. She quickly backed away.

All the same, as he thrust his nose into the sugary concoction, Bella watched him hungrily and thought, _I don't know how and when, but someday I'll make you mine Edward, my Sugar Queen._

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Edit- **Me and my friends the Bum Chums are now making a movie of the Sugar Queen over on youtube. If you'd like to watch it, the episodes can be found on my profile.


	2. Loving Chief Swan

_**Edward the Sugar Queen**_

_Chapter 2- Loving Chief Swan_

At the Cullen Institution, Nurse Esme was tucking Edward into bed.

"There you go dear," she said, tucking the blanket firmly around him- so tightly he couldn't escape.

"I can't sleep without a kiss," Edward said plaintively, his thumb in his mouth. Nurse Esme smiled indulgingly and pecked him on the cheek.

"And I need a story from Mr Flipsy too," he complained. At this, Nurse Esme put her hands on her hips.

"Edward darling- we shouldn't encourage Alice-" she begun. But Alice had heard, and a moment later she drifted through the doorway. She was wearing a red and white chequered gingham dress and army boots. On her hand was an orange puppet.

"Mr Flipsy says you were talking about him," she said manically, her eyes darting round in a show of demented behaviour. Then she looked to the puppet, and listened intently. "Mr Flipsy says I must kill you all now." From her gingham dress she drew a kitchen knife.

"Alice poppet, put that down," Nurse Esme said wearily. Alice approached on them, brandishing her knife.

"Yes Mr Flipsy, yes," she mumbled, saliva sliding down the side of her face.

However, from behind her Dr Carlisle appeared, and swiftly he whipped he knife out of her hand.

"Now Alice, what have I told you about attempted murder? It isn't nice." He waggled his finger at her chastisingly, smiling, like a father who has just caught his child stealing cookies.

"But Mr Flipsy told me-"

"Would Mr Flipsy like a chocolate biscuit in my office?"

She turned to the puppet for approval.

"He says yes if I can have one too."

Dr Carlisle chuckled, taking her shoulders and leading her out of the room.

"Are you ready to go to sleep nowEdward?" Nurse Esme said sweetly once they were gone.

"I can never sleep Miss Esme," said Edward, with wide childish eyes. "I need sugar to sleep. Can I have my sugar?"

"No, no," she said gently. "You won't get to sleep if you're filled with that."

At this, Edward began to bawl.

"I want my sherbet!" he wailed.

"Oh, calm down," she begged, hushing him. "You can have just a little." She snapped open her handbag and pulled out Edward's Smarties. She passed them to him, and he downed the packet in one.

"Will you be able to sleep _now_?" she asked tiredly.

"Yes!" he chirped, beaming.

"Okay then. Goodnight dear." She kissed him and turned out the light. The moment the door clicked shut, he leapt out of bed and crept to the bathroom. Stealthily, he prised open the toilet cistern. Floating inside the water were several plastic tubes of sherbet. Written on the sides were the words; _ONLY TO BE USED IN EMERGENCY_

He plucked one out of the water and brought it to the sideboard, tapping the sherbet out in lines. Then, he drew a straw from his _Barney and Friends_ pyjamas, and began snorting the lines of white powder up his nostrils.

"Oh yeah," he mumbled to himself, his pupils whizzing round in his eye sockets. "Yeah, that's some good shit."

As he snorted the sherbet, he began to regain his usual red-rimmed twitchiness; he was now completely buzzing. He vibrated on his feet, moving back to the cistern to dispose of the evidence like an electric massage machine.

"Time to go see Honey Bear," he vibrated, and with that, he threw himself out the bathroom window.

x

Bella was up late that night. She sat at her desk, her table lamp on, papers strewn out in front of her. There was one large A2 piece of paper, which looked strangely like the blueprints to the Cullen Institution. Another document was headed; _EVIL PLAN TO GET EDWARD'S LOVE_

"Must make Edward love me. Must make him love me," she mumbled to herself deliriously.

Just then, she heard a large bump from the landing. Her head snapped up, and she spun round in her seat. A burglar? she thought anxiously.

Picking up a flexi ruler and wielding it defensively, she crept out of her room onto the landing. Someone, hidden in the shadows, slipped into her father's room.

"Charlie," she murmured, her eyes wide.

She held the bendy ruler higher, inching towards his door.

Quietly, she pushed it open, and light fell upon the scene inside. Her father was sleeping peacefully in his bed, his chest rising and falling softly. Edward was kneeling by his head, watching him lovingly, like a mother. His crazed eyes were tender, and he ran his fingers through Charlie's soft hair.

Bella watched with her mouth hanging half open, her ruler wilting, and flopping forward.

_How… can I compete with that? _She thought to herself desperately. She ran from the room, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Edward did not notice her. Instead, he watched Charlie sleep, and leant down, gently, to press his lips upon his.

"I love you," he whispered.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**

* * *

**

_A/N-_If you have time, please drop me a review to let me know what you think. And thank you to everyone who has reviewed already.

The rest of the kids at the Cullen instititution will be introduced in the following chapters. Let me know if there's someone you'd like to see first.


	3. The Sugar Trail

**A/N- **Hello everyone! This story has been nominated for a 'best crackfic' award on a website called the 'Indie Twific Awards', along with 'best use of comedy' and… 'most romantic moment'. I guess someone out there really understood the depth of love Edward feels for Charlie. Anyway, my little brother Mini Willy Wonka (co-writer, came up with concept of the 'sugar queen'…) is real excited. Thank you to whomever it was who nominated us. I can't wait to see how we do!

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 3-__ The Sugar Trail_

Bella slipped through the forest like a thief in the night. Dressed in a black cat suit and ski mask she made her way through the prickly fern trees, the full moon shining above her. She danced through gracefully, sliding between the tree trunks, and then- she fell over.

This seemed to happen a lot, if the scratches on her hands and dried mud and bear dung were anything to go by. She picked herself up, groaning, and exclaimed violently into the night, "Dammit!"

Abruptly, she giggled, and took a smartie from a large bucket to place it on the ground, arranging it artistically.

"Perfect," she crooned, skipping forward a few feet to place another in the mud. She did this at regular intervals, creating a trail that stretched deep into the wood. At last, her destination appeared between the ferns; a large airy building surrounded by a tall fence. Above in mock gothic letters were the words _Cullen Psychological Institution _and then, in smaller print; _Established in 1950 for Mental Patients of Quality._

Bella threw herself at the fence, scrabbling at the wire mesh and toppling over to land like a beached whale on the other side. Huffing and puffing, she took a few moments to get back her breath. Crawling to her feet, she continued her trail, till she placed one last red smartie on the front doorstep.

Smiling mischievously, she admired her work. Briefly peeking through the window, she then fled into the night.

Inside, Edward was sat on the top-most step of the staircase, deep in discussion with Jasper. Jasper was another of the Cullen Institution's patients, and a true intellectual. However, with bulging bloodshot eyes and an expression that bordered on a nuclear explosion, he was a sufferer of chronic constipation.

"UrrrrrrNNNNN," Jasper groaned in pain, rocking back and forth on his heels, crouched into a tight ball.

Licking capaciously at a rainbow lollypop, Edward said, "Yes, yes- I know. But if the universe contracts, won't we all be squashed?"

"Urrr-urrrrr- **NNNN**."

"What do you mean we'll all be dead by then?"

"Urnn."

"Oh."

From the background, getting louder, a nasty cackle resounded in the room. A young woman swaggered in, the throaty laugh dying from her cracked lips. She had tangled blond hair and badly applied lipstick, coupled with tatty fingerless gloves and a straight-from-the-catwalk binbag ensemble. In her hand, clutching it like a lifeline, she held a bottle of cider. Edward continued to lick at his lolly, watching Rosalie like a mildly interesting television program.

"Still constipated, little Jazzy-poo?" she crooned nastily. "Don't worry- your mommy will get round to potty training you one day."

Jasper looked at her with an expression which might have been anger, but was shortly eroded by another anal pang. His eyes popping from his sockets, he curled into a tighter ball and rolled around the room like a runaway snail.

"The toilet is downstairs, Jazzy-poo," Rosalie cackled, taking a swig of her cider, before she kicked Jasper down the stairs. He bounced several times.

Edward's ears flicked up. He dropped down onto his knees, his nostrils twitching. He crawled along the carpet, his tongue darting out to taste the air, following the scent that hung delicately in the house. He clambered down the steps, past Jasper where he lay unconscious on the flat. He slipped past Nurse Esme, creeping all the way to the front door. He flung it open.

There, on the front step, glinted a red smartie. He lunged at it, gobbling it down in seconds. His pupils whizzed round his eye sockets like underwear in a washing machine.

But the scent wasn't gone yet. Just a few feet ahead was another smartie. He leapt forward like a frog to cram it up his left nostril. He bounded along, following the trail, hopping from smartie to smartie like a demented toad.

He hopped all the way to the Swan household, not even registering the location. The front door lay open, and he leapt up the stairs onto the landing and into Bella's bedroom. He reached the foot of the bed, where, suddenly, the trail stopped. Edward, crouched bow-legged on the floor, looked up in puzzlement.

It was then he noticed Bella. She was sprawled along the bed, her hands on her hips, and was wearing a frilly pink bikini which she had (apparently) deemed sexy. Edward looked at her oddly.

Then- she opened her mouth. Revealed there, like an oyster's pearl, a single blue smartie perched on her tongue- his favourite.

He looked at her with wide eyes, and then leapt upon her. He pressed her down on the bed, their tongues fighting a valiant battle fro the smartie- grabbing and rolling- darting forward- capturing it behind the defensible wall of her teeth—

And Bella was in heaven. Her imagination had transported her to an entirely different zone. Edward's strong arms were around her, his lips on hers- soft, passionate. It was just like she had dreamed of- his sweet sugary scent surrounding her, encapsulating her—his hands through her hair—

The spell broke and shattered. Edward had tongue-wrestled the smartie from her mouth and swallowed it down. She snapped back to reality just in time to see Edward wrenching a coat hanger from her wardrobe and attaching it to the overhead power line. Then, launching himself from her window frame, he slid away down the electric cable at fifty miles per hour, vanishing into the rain and darkness.

"YA-HOOOOOoooooooo….!"

Bella stood from where she was sprawled on the bed, retracting her hands from where they passionately embraced a patch of thin air.

"Oh, gingersnaps…"

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	4. Bella's Army

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 4- Bella's Army_

Bella just couldn't understand it. She was young, smart- and in her opinion- pretty damn gorgeous—_So why doesn't Edward love me!?_

Fuming in her room, she tried to assess the situation logically. Edward didn't love her because he loved Charlie. Now, if she tied her father to the railway tracks and—

No. Maybe that was going too far. But _why _did he love Charlie? That was what she questioned next.

_I mean… he's not bad looking, I suppose, but… _What Bella meant was, why ever would he prefer Charlie over _her_? She couldn't figure it out.

The realisation hit her like a stampeding hippopotamus.

It was the _sugar_.

The sugar was driving him crazy, confusing his senses. That was why he thought he was in love with Charlie. He didn't realise Charlie was middle-aged and male! Wait—Edward thought _Charlie_ was _Bella!_ That had to be it. He really did love her!

"Oh, Eddy-darling, I love you too," she murmured deliriously, waltzing the room with her imaginary Edward in her arms.

"As I love you," he said huskily, his hands clasped in hers as they moved together.

"Hold me closer…" she whispered. He nibbled delicately on her ear.

"Oh Edward…"

He bit it off.

"Ahh!" she screamed, snapping out of her daydream. She felt her ear; it was clean and whole.

"I really gotta lay off the chicken vindaloos…" she muttered to herself.

There was only one thing to do. She would have to turn Edward the Sugar Queen into a recovering sugarholic. But for this plan, she would need help. It was time to find some recruits.

x

Thankfully for Bella, she had already amassed quite a fanclub in town. The last new person to move into Forks came fifty years ago, and hence the town had developed a terrible problem with inbreeding. There was Jessica Stanley, who had two heads which constantly squabbled with one another; Eric Yorkie, with ingrown yellow toenails the size of Volkswagens; and the luckier ones such as Mike Newton, who just had a few extra fingers.

So when moderately pretty Bella Swan arrived, the entire male population of Forks jumped for joy, and mothers sobbed in happiness that grandchildren born without sixty cubic feet of body hair might become a reality, and not just a dream.

Bella became the coolest cat in town, and was never to be seen without at least half a dozen boys hanging off her arm. Dressed in a smoking jacket, pin-striped trousers and designer sunglasses, Bella walked the walk in the streets of Forks.

Of course, realised Bella, as she and her posse gambolled down to La Push, she could never _truly_ be happy. All these boys loving her, asking her out, and she always had to sigh and decline, for it was the Sugar Queen her heart desired. Oh, such cruelty! Bella felt like the heroine of the Greek tragedy! She wiped the tears away from under her sunglasses.

Puffing on a cigarette, Bella and her gang reached the First Beach, where a group of Indians were drawing rude pictures in the sand. She put her fag out on one of Mike Newton's spare fingers and loped towards them, for she had heard strange rumours concerning the Indians of La Push and the kids of the Cullen Institution.

She put the question to them immediately.

"What do you know about the Cullens?"

"The Cullens don't come here," said Sam mysteriously, a freakishly tall boy whose blind parents must have mistaken for a Mr-Stretch doll.

"Why?" said Bella eagerly. "Because they're vampires?"

All the Indians burst out into bellowing laughter.

"Of course not!" exclaimed Sam. "It's because they're freaking loonies!"

"Oh," said Bella, disappointed. On her internal list of recruits, she wrote a bold **NO **and then circled it several times.

It was then she noticed a smaller boy standing by Sam's side, wearing a red leash around his neck. He was giving her the eye.

"Come with me," Bella said, and she dragged Jacob away. Her posse made to follow her, but she turned and commanded, "Stay," and they all ducked their heads and drew back, mumbling, "Yes mistress…"

Bella pulled Jacob towards the shoreline. There was something the Indians weren't telling her, and she knew exactly how to find out; like a skilled honey-trapper, a seductress, she turned on the charm.

"I like your socks," Bella squeaked, pointing to his mismatched half-tucked, half untucked pair.

Thankfully for Bella, Jacob was already in love.

"Thanks," he peeped, blushing, as the two of them sat down of logs of splintered driftwood.

_She's nothing like any other girl I've met, _he thought breathlessly. _She's perfect in absolutely every way._ _She only has one head, for the first thing. _

"So… I guess everyone here really don't like the Cullens, huh?" Bella said innocently.

For some reason, Jacob blushed again, scratching embarrassedly under his leash.

"Ah, well- you see… I shouldn't really tell you this, but…"

She smiled at him endearingly.

"But I suppose if its just you… well, the reason you've heard rumours about vampires is because, about a couple of months ago, one of the Cullen kids came down here- Jasper, I think his name was. And he said he needed the toilet. There's only one toilet on the reservation, but we let him use it. He was in there for _six hours_, and Harry Clearwater's bladder exploded."

Bella stared at him.

"Yeah, I know. So the elders weren't chuffed, and they went around telling everyone the Cullens were vampires so that they could put a stake in Jasper's chest. Only, Chief Swan caught 'em and now Harry's in prison for attempted murder."

"But what did he do in the bathroom for so _long_?" Bella asked, flabbergasted.

"Ah, well, that's the mystery. Some say he really was trying to go all that time, others that he was designing weapons of mass destruction. All I know is that they found him in there with a book of sudoku, a pair of rubber gloves and a powerdrill."

Bella blinked.

"I love you!" Jacob blurted out.

She smiled at him. "Do you have a large person-sized net, Jacob?"

"Um… well yes," he said, puzzled.

"Then I love you too. Now let's go walkies." She whistled at him, and he woofed eagerly. He nudged his leash towards her, and she picked it up, talking him for a walk across the golden sand, Jacob barking enthusiastically at seagulls.

Now, Bella had everything for her next plan, and there was a new glint in her eye and a spring in her step as she walked.

"Don't worry Edward," she whispered intensely, passionately. "I'm coming to save you."

* * *

**A/N- **This chapter makes us sad, because there was no Edward. He should be back next chapter though, and back up to his sugary tricks. But will Bella succeed with her dastardly plan and turn the Sugar Queen into Edward the Sugar-free!? It's too cruel, surely?

Next chapter should be around soon. Now please excuse us while I and Mini Willy Wonka go snort some raspberry sherbet.


	5. High as a Kite

A/N- Everyone, guess what?! We're through to the finals of the Indies as best crackfic. Huzzah! I didn't expect that. Thank you everyone! I'm so excited- I think the next round starts tomorrow. Can't wait to find out what place we come.

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 5- High as a Kite_

The streets of Forks were dark. Lowering his hood protectively, his eyes raking his surroundings, Edward crept into a grimy alleyway. Hidden by the shadows, another man stood waiting for him. Edward approached quickly.

"You got the stuff?" he whispered urgently.

"You got payment?" replied the man. In response, looking around nervously, Edward drew two long gummy worms from his pocket and handed them to the man. He sniffed them, before tucking them away in his large overcoat, drawing out something else in return. It was a small bag of sparkling white sugar.

Edward snatched at it eagerly, before sinking down onto the concrete against the moss and dirt-incrusted wall. Ripping the bag open, he pulled out several leaves of brown paper. His hands shaking, fingers fumbling, he tapped some of the powder into the paper, expertly rolling it. He put the spliff to his lips.

"Here, man," said the dealer, handing over a lighter. He flicked at it, and the paper began to smoulder. Edward groaned in relief, drawing in one steady drag, his whole body shivering.

After several long- agonizing!- moments, the sugar kicked in. His nostrils twitched like an electric smoothie machine, his eyebrows danced the cha-cha-cha, and he bounded up to bounce around the alleyway like a pneumatic drill. The dealer smiled in satisfaction.

"Looks like you could use something a little more hardcore," he said, and Edward turned to face him with owlish bloodshot eyes. "Wanna try something new?"

In his palm, sparkling, was a tiny crystallised pill.

"What is it?" Edward breathed, vibrating on the tips of his toes towards him.

"Pure condensed sugar; no glass in it, y'know. Just come on the market. Guy from Port Angeles told me they make it from a whole bathtub full of sugar. They condense it right down into one little pill."

He held up the capsule, and Edward gazed in wonder, inching towards it.

Suddenly, the pill disappeared.

"Of course," said the dealer, his hands vanishing into the depths of his pockets, "I wonder if you're man enough for it. Two guys have died from a single bite, you know. I'm not sure you're quite the person I'm looking for."

A hideous growl erupted from Edward's throat. He bared his decayed teeth at the man, the growling rocking the land like an earthquake. Sensibly, the man turned and fled.

He did not get far.

Edward launched himself through the air, hurtling twenty feet to slam into the back of the sugar dealer. He was knocked flying to the ground.

"Give me the sugar," roared Edward, tearing open his coat to rummage inside. The man could only wail in terror at the monster he had created.

Syringes and gummy worms went flying, and at last the pill was in Edward's hands. The dealer slumped back in a dead faint. Kneeling, Edward regarded the pill with a wonder that bordered on reverence. Then, without hesitating, he swallowed it down in one.

The world span.

Feeling like a fish in water, Edward swam to his feet, the earth whirling on its axis. His pupils dilated and grew, expanding and retracting. Colours bloomed into life around him; he reached out and touched them- they felt warm. Edward flew around his bowl, through the tecnicolour streets of Forks.

"I can see time," he slurred, as it ticked past him. Everything seemed to have frozen, moving so sluggishly it seemed almost to stand still. He giggled, taking a passing by tramp's finger and sticking it up his nose.

It was then that he noticed a hippopotamus and a giraffe inching towards him. For some reason, the giraffe had a large net. He blinked, and they became Bella and Jacob. Another boy he hadn't noticed earlier was also there- Eric, his hoof like toenails curling in front of him like ram's horns.

Time sped as he considered Bella. He couldn't remember her name (Belinda? Bermuda?) but he did remember that she grew smarties in her mouth. Maybe she was growing some now.

Edward threw himself at her, locking lips as he tossed them both back onto the ground. Bella replied vigorously, kissing him back with a passion, her arms wrapping around him in a stranglehold as he shoved his tongue down her throat impatiently, searching the perimeter for smarties.

When he realised there were none, and eventually wriggled out of Bella's determined grip, he noticed Jacob was growling at him. Edward barked back, and Jacob yelped and ran for cover behind Eric's toenails.

"Oh Edward, you really do love me," Bella was whimpering, tears running down her cheeks. Edward stared at her in bafflement. Time was going faster now—too fast, and the colours were closing in. He crouched down small, afraid.

"Please, realise that this is… for your own good."

There was a whoosh of air, Eric's toenail sailing past. All Edward's breath was knocked out of him; he faced the sky as it fell. He caught a flash as the net embraced him, and then the colours span into black.

x

Bella's high heels clacked emptily as she approached the abandoned warehouse. Her movements were casual, smooth- as smooth as the elegant two-piece suit she wore. She puffed lazily on her cigar, and mused what a stroke of genius it was to have attached training wheels to her shoes.

The building loomed up, lumber storage for a liquefied logging firm, surrounded by barbed wire. Mike Newton stood by the gate, an AK-47 slung over his shoulder. He saluted Bella as she approached.

"Ma'm," he said. She nodded.

The inside of the building was a hive of activity. Bella lowered her sunglasses to survey the scene; her security team patrolling the corridors, others in white overcoats clustered by the one-way mirror, clipboards in hands as they stared intently into the sealed, white-washed room. Bella drew nearer.

"How is he?" she asked Tyler, as he doodled on his notes. "It's been what, twenty-four hours now?"

"Not good," said Tyler gravely, shaking his head. "He's just regained consciousness- he threw himself at the wall screaming earlier. He's not taking to the program at all."

Bella looked through the glass, where Edward sat in the middle of a small room, rocking back and forward on his heels. He looked paler than ever, and far more maddened. He was shaking all over, and looked feverish, his eyes darting about across the room.

"Withdrawal symptoms," Conner diagnosed. "He's not used to going without sugar for this long. He keeps screaming about his sherbet. Ma'm… I don't mean to question you, but perhaps cold turkey is not the best program for him…"

"Be quiet!" snapped Bella, and Conner ducked his head humbly. "This is what Edward needs. He loves me, and he knows it too. I'm helping him; he'll thank me when it's all over and when we're together and married."

Ignoring the other boys now she approached the glass, pressing her lips against it, her eyelids fluttering closed.

"Oh Edward…" she breathed. "Wait for me. We'll be together soon."

Inside, oblivious, and filled with a terrible agony, Edward was screaming for his Honey Bear.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	6. Never use a Car Aerial as a Probe

**A/N-** Heya everyone! Thanks for the reviews, and for everyone who voted for us in the Indies. Unfortunately a fic on Twilighted won instead, but thank you anyway. Here's chapter 6!

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 6- Never use a car aerial as a probe_

In the dim-lit ambiance of Charlie Swan's living room, Billy Black sidled stealthily along the settee, Charlie's eyes fixed intently on the football game. He shuffled towards him till their legs were touching, before he let out a great theatrical yawn, stretching his arms and letting one rest around Charlie's strong shoulders. Charlie, oblivious, continued to munch on his hula hoops.

Billy frowned, and his fingers twitched furtively under his shirt to caress his nipple. Charlie didn't blink, and instead began absently placing the hula hoops on each of his fingers. Billy sucked them off. Despite Billy's hands wandering further and further down, Charlie eyes remained fixedly on the television.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

"Charlie!" he exclaimed. "I've got an extension program running in my trousers here. Would you look away from that blasted game for one minute?"

Charlie turned towards Billy dreamily, his eyes blinking blearily.

"Sorry, did you say something?"

Billy slapped him silly, a dozen times on each cheek. Charlie looked shocked, but slowly, his irises began to creep back towards the game. Billy lunged for the remote, and clicked it firmly off.

Looking severely disappointed, he turned back to Billy sullenly.

"What is it?" he asked, surly.

"We need to talk," said Billy, and he clasped Charlie's face between his hands. His voice dropped low. "I know how lonely you've been all these years, how the divorce with Bella's father cut you up… but you can't keep waiting for him." He inched closer, their noses almost touching. He had Charlie's attention completely now, the Police Chief's heart beating frantically in his breast. "I've loved you for a long time, Charlie. And I can't keep waiting for you. Don't push me away."

Charlie hesitated, his quiet feelings for Billy hidden for so long- struggling against a new, half-formed love. Strangely, with a rush of warmth, Edward's face bloomed in his mind.

"I don't know…" said Charlie softly, eyes dropping to the floor. Gently, Billy lifted his chin up to look at him, his eyes sparkling with the intensity of his love.

"Kiss me," he whispered huskily, and the mood caught Charlie. Catching his hand in Billy's silky hair, he drew closer to Billy's full dark lips. And then-

**DING-DONG; **The doorbell chimed urgently, again and again, and Charlie blushed furiously and jumped to the door. Billy grumbled his bad luck and receded back into the sofa.

The bolt sliding open, Charlie was greeted by Carlisle and Esme, the nurse grimly holding a lamp above their heads. Behind them, grinning wildly, Alice smiled at him in her gingham dress. Charlie blinked.

"Uh- what can I do for you Dr Cullen?" he asked Carlisle. "It's rather late, isn't it?"

Carlisle raked a hand through his wet hair tiredly, his face a picture of stress.

"It's an emergency I'm afraid, Chief. Edward's gone missing. He always disappears during the day and comes back high as a coot, but he's never been gone this long… I'm rather worried. I'd go look myself but the institution's gone wild. Jasper's fallen down the toilet again, and Emmett's somehow dug up the central heating system to drink the rust from the bottom of the radiators… We had to bring this one," he tossed his thumb over his shoulder at Alice, "before she killed Rosalie with a tea strainer."

A frown stretched out on Charlie's face. "You don't think he's run away, do you?"

"Not while we've stockpiled his smarties," said Nurse Esme. "He gravitates around them like the orbit around a small planetoid."

"This sounds serious- I'll call up the force. Let me just tell Bella what's going on—" he hurried up the stairs and crept in Bella's room, where he could see her hair poking out at the top of her bedcover. He shook her shoulder. "Bella- wake up!"

He shook her harder, and, alarmingly- her head rolled off.

Eyes bulging, Charlie picked up the turnip from the carpet and stared at it. It was decorated with painted amber buttons and a mop of straw hair. Clicking on the light, he realised it looked a lot like Edward. To the side, he saw a strange glow, and approached Bella's open wardrobe, light glaring against the half-closed doors. He pulled them open, and stared baffled at the contents.

Bells's clothes had been tossed to the floor, replaced with an elaborate shrine decorated with lighted candles that spelled out the name: EDWARD, and then underneath: OMG HE'S SO HUNKY. Cellotaped to the back were plans of the abandoned factory just out of town, with a centrepiece of a torso made from coat hangers and gone-off vegetables. Charlie placed the turnip on top.

Something clicked in his brain. Bella's strange silences, her lingering sighs, the small voodoo doll of Edward she carried everywhere- they all made sense. Suddenly, he knew who had Edward, and where to find him. He flew back down to the living room.

"Let's go Carlisle," he said breathlessly. "I know where he is."

Carlisle passed Alice over to Billy. "You don't mind looking after her for a bit? She won't be any trouble." Alice smiled manically at him, revealing the tiniest slice of a butcher's cleaver from under her dress. Billy gulped.

"No problem," he squeaked.

Swinging on his cowboy hat, Charlie exclaimed, "To the sugar truck!"

x

"You want to do WHAT?" Jacob asked, in the white lights of the Edward Containment Facility.

"Probe him, of course," Bella said shortly, tapping her wrist impatiently with a riding crop.

"To measure what?" he asked, puzzled.

"To measure… uh," Bella hesitated. "Just do what I say!" she snapped.

Jacob shrugged. "Alright," he said amiably, reaching for the probe. Bella grabbed his arm.

"I'll do it," she said, a voice a little too high.

"But I—"

"But buts!" she said, wrenching the probe from his hand. "Down boy!"

Jacob lowered onto his hackles, growling.

"Don't give me any of that. Out!"

Jacob whined and ran on all fours out the cat flap in the door. Outside, Bella heard him howling at the moon.

Thinking about what she was going to do, Bella giggled hysterically, stuffing her fist in her mouth. She glided to the airlock dreamily, like a hovercraft. Tapping in the code, the door hissed open.

Inside, Edward cowered in a ball, his wide eyes darting around him, froth on his lips. Marking the ceiling were footprints from where he'd circled the room like a giant hamster mill. Bella smiled kindly and approached him with sympathy, patting him on the head.

"Sugar… have you brought sugar?" he muttered deliriously, his face half-hopeful.

"No, honey. I've told you—sugar is bad," she said, at the same time heaving him up and evaluating the probe.

"Bad…?" Edward said, confused.

Bella stroked his hair tenderly.

"Yes, bad. It's made you think you're in love with Charlie. But it's alright, because we'll be together soon.

Edward froze, still as rock.

"Charlie…" he whispered.

Bella whipped his trousers down; "Oh yes, come to mummy…!"

She knelt down beside him, running a hand down Edward's gleaming bronzed buttocks, regarding them with a reverence due to a god.

_Like staring at the buns of an angel, _She thought to herself. _A statue of Baccus, the cheeks of Zeus… _More than anything, she wanted to squeeze them together to create one giant juicy peach. Dribbling at the mouth, and feeling faint, she remarked to herself what a good job she'd done with just a tin of car polish. She caressed his sparkly cheeks.

She readied the probe, Edward standing dazed. "This will hurt me more than it will hurt you," she said, and she hesitated, adding, "probably."

x

Outside the facility Jacob was having a good howl. When he was finished, he realised it was such a good howl that he went for another. Afterwards he just whimpered a little.

Bella was so mean to him, he pondered—he loved her, and she didn't even notice him. He loved every part of her; her silky hair, her clear skin, and the absence of extra belly buttons that covered the population of Forks like holes in swiss cheese.

But she had just used him as a pawn in her insane attempts to gain Edward's favour, though why Jacob could not fathom. Everyone knew he was a flaming queen who ran on railway tracks naked and who crept around the roofs on the houses at La Push like a demented spider. On more than one occasion had he and Billy scraped Edward off the shingles with a paddle.

Jacob whimpered his sorrow, and then his head twitched up as he noticed the approaching glare of lights. He barely had time to jump aside as the sugar truck screeched around the corner, the engine squealing. The door flew open, and out leapt Charlie Swan, catapulting onto Jacob's back, catching hold of his mane of hair, and yelling, "Nyah! Nyah!"

Jacob reared up with a whinnying neigh, Charlie overdramatically raising his hat and crying, "Giddy up!"

Jacob raced towards the door, pounding on his hands and knees, expelling an excited snort from his nostrils. Ahead, Mike Newton stared at them alarmedly, fumbling his AK-47 with his troublesome extra fingers. Fluidly, Charlie hit him in the chest with the butt of his rifle, Mike sinking down as they flew through the door. Inside, alarms were ringing as dozens of inbred teenagers besotted with Bella hurled themselves at Charlie, tackling him like rugby players. Buried underneath for a few short seconds, Charlie exploded out with a superhuman strength, bellowing a great hulk-roar. Teenagers went flying across the room in all directions.

Eric Yorkie stood in his way, grinning, his Volkswagen toenails sharpened to a deadly point. Slapping the back of Jacob's neck with the flat of his hand, Charlie knocked Eric aside like a fly.

Bursting through the airlock, Charlie only had seconds to take in the scene; Edward, pants down, his daughter caressing his buttocks, with, strangely, a TV aerial in hand, before he leapt off Jacob and whisked it from her palm.

"Oh, Dad!" she complained. "You always ruin everything!"

At that moment, the rest of the Forks force arrived, looking around the Edward Containment Facility and tutting, checking their nails, all dressed in the police staple uniform, which consisted only of a pair of gold hot pants and matching helmet. One whirled out a set of fluffy pink handcuffs, clicking them in place behind Bella's back.

"Honey, you're going downtown," he drawled, leading her towards the door.

"Dad!" she whined.

"Sorry dear. You're old enough to take responsibility for your own actions," he said, and grumbling, she was led away.

"No good police chief, excuse for a father… stupid camp policemen, taking Edward's buttocks away from me…"

Edward looked up at Charlie weakly from where he was folded on the floor. "Honey bear," he whispered, strenuously lifting his arms out for him. "You came!" Charlie leant down to pick Edward up in his arms, feeling how light he was, how weak.

"Yes," said Charlie, his eyes locked with Edward's, a strange current of happiness, a feeling of rightness washing through him. "I'm here."

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	7. To Love a Moustache

**A/N- **Everyone! It's been a while. Me and little Willy completely forgot about this story for a while. I remembered I was in the middle of this chapter when our father came home with a carrier bag full of caster sugar- a whole tesco bag full. And I just thought- "This is the kind of shopping Edward would come home with." Though, actually, I dunno if it would make it home in time- he'd probably have eaten it by then. Anyway, here's chapter seven! It carries on directly from the last chapter, so if you can't remember what happened it might be best to take a peek back and refresh yourself.

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 7- To Love a Moustache_

By the time Charlie got Edward back to his house, the Sugar Queen was hyperventilating.

"He's experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms," Carlisle diagnosed. "Sugar is a powerful addiction; without it, his body has gone into shock. We need to fill him up quick; otherwise he could sustain permanent brain damage."

His heart beating anxiously, Charlie dashed to the kitchen and wrenched open the cupboard doors. He brought back a big bag of caster sugar and a plastic funnel. Wrenching open his jaw, Charlie stuffed the funnel down Edward's throat and poured the sweet, sweet sugar down his esophagus. Edward coughed and spluttered back to life, gulping down the sugar gratefully.

"Ah, good," breathed Carlisle. "But we'll need a lot more than that; he's been deprived for too long. Say, do you have a shipment in that sugar van of yours?"

He did. And no less than ten minutes later was the bathtub filled to the top with glittering sugar, Carlisle dropping Edward unceremoniously in. The pale lifeless body began to sink, disappearing under the sugar like quicksand.

"That's right, baby," Carlisle muttered. "Don't fight it. Let it take you."

Charlie leant over the tub. "Uh--- are you sure he'll be alright?" There seemed to be no trace of Edward now.

In reply, Carlisle pointed at the sugar, which was- like water twirling down a plughole- slowly but surely disappearing.

MUNCHCRUNCHMUNCHBITEGULPCRUNCHBITEMUNCH

"Oh my," Carlisle said, and he giggled, raising a hand to his mouth. "I think he's going to be just fine. If you don't mind, Chief Swan, I'll leave him in your capable hands now. Must get back to the institution- have a look at that central heating situation..." He shook Charlie's hand and threw on his coat, sprinting out the front door.

Charlie collapsed down next to the bathtub, his head in his hands.

"He really is a busy doctor, isn't he?" Charlie said, tiredly raking a hand through his unkempt hair.

MUNCHCRUNCHYUM, the pile of sugar replied.

"Mind you- he'd have to be, looking after you. Edward, you really are trouble, you know that?" He leant back against the tub. "All this stuff with Bella, the kidnapping… saying you're in love with me. I mean, what is that about? I'm not right for you Edward. Not right at all."

**BITEBITEGULP!!!!** the sugar denied vehemently.

"I mean it. I'm too old, for one thing. I'm an old man Edward. And I'm divorced- I'm not pure. You deserve someone young and fresh."

CRUNCHCHEWCRUNCH! the sugar argued.

"Look, even if that were true… even if… even if I really did love you- it- it just wouldn't work out, okay?"

MUNCH!!

"That's it; this is the end of the conversation Edward. I'm not talking about this anymore." He got up and marched out the front door, where he leant back against the wooden post, pressing his palms against his eyes.

"_God!_"he whispered.

"You really care about him, don't you?" Out of the darkness, Billy rolled across the porch. His face was grim.

"It's not that—" Charlie said, averting his face. "Only—"

"You were right to put him down," Billy said in a voice that was both gentle but firm. "He's just a kid. He'd never be able to love you properly, like a man would. Like I would."

Charlie's breath caught in his throat. "Billy… let's not go through this again. Earlier was a mistake—"

"No." Billy wheeled towards him, reaching up a hand to his face, pressing a finger to his lips, silencing him. "Earlier I wasn't able to finish telling you how I feel. How I've always felt- since the day you and your _goddamn horny moustache_ walked into my life. You were still with your husband then- I wasn't able to tell you my feelings. And after the divorce you were so minced up you weren't ready… but this is it." He wheeled closer, so close their legs were touching. "I love you. Now, then, and forever."

"Billy…" Charlie lamented.

"No, let me finish. Before you, Charlie, my life was like a beardless night. But there was facial hair—tiny strands and sideburns of reason. But then your moustache rushed across the sky like a meteorite. And I was blinded, baby."

Charlie stood with his mouth gaping open, trembling.

"Your… your eyes will adjust," he muttered.

"Not with you babe," Billy said firmly. "Not with you." And with that, his fingers crept up, up, tracing the curves and lines of Charlie's face, and dove into his moustache. He ran his fingers through it, his face a picture of ecstasy, tangling himself in Charlie's silky strands.

"Oh yes! YES!" he screamed.

The door flew open. Edward stood there, naked and sparkling with a fresh layer of sugar, his eyes open and innocent like a child's.

"Honey Be—!" He took in the scene in front of him; Billy groping Charlie's face, the Honey Bear himself so red he seemed to be on the verge of atomic eruption. They froze, waiting for Edward to react. He looked from Billy to Charlie, back to Billy, to Charlie again- and then he walked forward sedately, thrust Billy out of his chair and hijacked it, bouncing off down the steps and plummeting over the hill.

"YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!"

Charlie hurried to Billy, reaching down to help him up. "I'm sorry, he shouldn't have done that. Are you alright?"

Angrily, Billy swiped Charlie's hand away, getting to his feet himself. Charlie watched, shocked, as Billy swore and then pelted after Edward- on both feet.

"You damn brat! I'm gonna skin you alive and roast the rest of ya!"

Charlie folded his arms and waited, dawn breaking around him. Only a few minutes later, Billy plodded back, drenched with sweat, grumbling. He marched up the steps. Charlie greeted him stonily.

"I thought you were paralysed from the waist down," he said suspiciously. Billy shrugged.

"Just lazy," he said. Charlie glared menacingly at him.

"Oh come on baby- don't be like that. Tell you what, you go in and get your kit off, and I'll fetch my batman suit."

"You really will wish you were paralysed in a minute," Charlie said darkly.

"Huh? Why's that?"

Charlie grabbed his whangdoodle and twisted, hard. Billy screamed and collapsed to the floor writhing. But the Honey Bear stepped over him and stormed back inside, slamming the door behind him.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	8. Where for art thou Edward?

**A/N- **IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT; Go to my profile and look under the story fanart section at the pictures of the cast. They are very amusing. Also, tell me which one is your favourite. Personally, I enjoyed drawing Jacob the best. You'll see what I mean.

Also, I just realised that asterixes (these- *) stay now! Goodbye scene dividing x's! I've been waiting for this day for five years. Halluljah!

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 8- O Edward, Edward! Where for art thou, Edward?_

In her cell, Bella leant back against the wall, grumbling. She had a pounding headache. All morning the officers of Forks had been playing _Take That; The Greatest Collection_ on repeat, and she'd heard _Patience _so many times she thought she'd run out of it if they played the damn song _just one_ more time. Her fingers twitched homicidally, and she imagined holding a gun to Officer Jiggle's head. Boom. She chuckled manically under her breath.

The policemen broke out into hysteric giggles across the bars, and Bella glared at them as Officer Thumbtack began reciting a passage from _Heat_ magazine. Amy Winehouse's hair had collapsed and created an avalanche, burying several states, and Peter Andre had gone to a premiere with a pair of Speedos on his head. Bella ground her teeth, and the sound was like the Arabian and Eurasian tectonic plates grinding on the dance floor.

In the other room a door banged open and Bella heard people talking. She craned her head- and groaned in relief. Jacob was walking towards her with the bail money, a crisp two-hundred dollars clutched in his fist. He looked unhappy, but Bella did not notice.

"Where have you been?" she demanded of him. "I've been waiting here all day for you, and you just walz in, all casual. Not the slightest bit of haste in your step."

Jacob muttered something offensive under his breath, sullen.

"Do you know how much I've _suffered_?" she hissed. "I've had to sit through karaoke night with the greatest hits of Elton bloody John and Brokeback bloody Mountain on a bloody loop. Seventeen times! I tell you, if I see as much as a single baked bean in my _life _again, I'm going to murder it with a potato masher. Or maybe a pneumatic drill." She put a finger to her chin and regarded this contemplatively. Jacob raked a tired hand through his hair.

"Bella, we have to talk," he said wearily.

Bella crinkled her bloodshot sleep-deprived eyes at him. "Is there something wrong?" she asked, her voice suspicious rather than worried. He sighed.

"Look, I'll bust you out Bells, but that's it. I can't keep helping you when you don't feel the same way as me. I can't—"

Bella took a fistful of shirt and slammed Jacob against the bars. Her breath was hot against his face, eyes watering, lips quivering.

"You're… you're breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong and she knew it. But she was also a manipulative bitch. The tears trickled down her nose and pooled between her lips. Jacob melted like butter.

"Well… maybe I could…"

Bella thrust him towards her and kissed him passionately between the bars, full on the mouth. Jacob dripped down into a puddle on the concrete.

"Bluggggzzzzaaarrrrrggg," the Jacob-puddle glugged. Bella smiled triumphantly and scooped up the twenty dollar bills from where they skimmed on Jacob's surface.

"You can let me out now," she said to the officers, who had watched the exchange with cringes. She thrust the money out impatiently. "I've spent long enough in this hellhole."

Officer Plodston got up, readjusting his hotpants.

"Take a chill pill, girlfriend," he said, taking the notes from her. "You know, what you did to him weren't nice." He nudged the puddle with his foot. "Playing with hearts ain't a good game to get into. Someone always gets hurt."

Bella flipped her hair over her shoulder. "I always get what I want," she said simply.

Officer Plodston put his hands on his hips.

"And what is it you want?" he asked. "Break a few hearts? Crush a few souls? I know you're the Chief's daughter but that kind of behaviour is despicable." The other officers nodded sagely behind. But unexpectedly, Bella began to cry. She put her head in her hands and sobbed her sorry heart out. She blew her nose all over the sleeve of her expensive suit. Officer Plodston took a step back, throwing his arm up defensively.

"You do-don't u-understand!" she wailed. "I only do it because- because I love him! I love him so much I think my heart's going to- to explode… and… he doesn't even notice me. All he cares about is my _dad._ How do you think that _feels_?"

She sniffled and cried, tears flowing from her eyes like a hydroelectric dam. It was at least fifteen minutes before she subsided. The officers had long since fled, and the door of her cell stood open. Jacob was passed out, lying face down in the reservoir of sorrow she had created. It reached almost to her knees.

Wiping her eyes, she reached down and fished Jacob out of the water, setting him on his feet. The water sprayed out his mouth like a pressure washer.

"Salty," he commented, licking his lips.

"Enough of that," Bella commanded. "I need to find Edward. Give me a ride. I'm getting wet."

Jacob looked around, puzzled. "But the truck's back in La Push…"

Bella sighed and shoved him back into the water, mounting his back and taking hold of his hair like reins.

"Giddyup!" she said, sitting astride his back like a grand lady.

Jacob turned his head over his shoulder.

"Do I look like public transport to you?"

*

Meanwhile, Bella wasn't the only one wondering where Edward was. In fact, even Edward wasn't so sure where Edward was! He opened his eyes to glaring white lights, his head throbbing painfully. Where was he? He remembered hitting the sweet shop in the evening to hoover up all the yummy sweets. He'd used a sledge hammer. Then he'd popped into the curry house for a couple of sherbet bhajis. After that… it all went a little blurry.

His surroundings, little by little, started to fade into view. He was in the supermarket. He sat up, hand to his head, and noticed that he was completely naked and glittering like a star. He was also surrounded by half eaten pick and mix, and- frighteningly, a naked Eric Yorkie, fast asleep and snoring.

Man, _what had he done last night? _He tried to inch away, but at that moment Eric chose to wake. He rolled over onto his side, propped up by an elbow, and pressed his curling metre-long fingernail to his sultry lips.

"Hey," he said, his voice dripping honey and satisfaction. "Last night, eh?"

"Um, yes," Edward squeaked. He very much wished he remembered what happened last night- but then Eric fluttered his overgrown eyelashes at him and he decided that perhaps it was better this way.

"How'd you like to come over to my place tonight?" Eric purred. "I've swept up all my toenail cuttings just for you."

Edward stared at him. "I… gotta go! Left the strawberry laces on the stove!"

He zoomed out the front door, only stopping to shove some candy hearts in his eardrums for safe keeping. It was time to have some fun.

*

"O Edward! Edward! Where for art thou Edward?" On the banks of the river, Charlie called Edward's name over and over. He hadn't seen him since the boy hijacked Billy's wheelchair, and he was worried.

_What did he think when he saw Billy stroking my moustache like that? Does he think... _his thoughts tailed off. He blushed like a schoolgirl and buried his head in his hands. A small giggle escaped him, before he capped it with his palm, straightened up and carried on in a dignified fashion.

There was a construction site up upstream, buzzing with florescent jacketed hard hatted workmen. A crane lifted pieces of flatpack to the men on the scaffolding. Charlie watched, wiping the sweat from his brow as a plank of wood swung round, ridden by a naked sparkling teenager wearing scuba gear.

_The things builders do in their spare time, _Charlie thought condescendingly, looking away. He did a double take. His eyes bulged.

"Edward!"

The boy rode the plank like a rocket, throwing his hands up in the air in delight, yelling, "Yee-haw! Nuke 'em! Nuke 'em!"

Terrified and screaming, the crane operator tried to throw Edward off, slamming him repeatedly against the buildings, workers on the scaffolding wobbling dangerously.

Edward flipped up his hand in a mock walkie-talkie.

"Houston, we have a problem. Vessel seems to be experiencing some unknown turbulence."

The crane operator shrieked and tossed him against a concrete wall. Edward swung back, unharmed.

"Recommend all passengers enable safety harnesses till turbulence ceases. Must be a magnetic storm."

The man swung him round in a whirling fury, knocking over scaffolding, walls, sending a concrete mixer flying, the sludge spraying all over the foreman.

"Whoah, hold on folks!"

Dizzy, he slumped out of his seat. Edward hopped calmly onto the scaffolding, where a gurning builder approached him with a hammer.

"Time to knock some sense into you, boy," he snarled, holding up several nails and indicating exactly where he planned to hammer them.

"Ouch," said Edward in sympathy, before he leapt forward and leapfrogged over the man's head. He ran across the platforms shrieking with excitement, explosions rocking wherever he went. On the ground, Charlie bit his nails with anxiety, though he couldn't help one rogue thought flittering though his mind.

_So what's the scuba gear for then?_

Finally, in one desperate attempt, the foreman stumbled into the crane, barging past his unconscious underman. Frothing at the mouth, he swung the hook round, catching Edward round the torso. Charlie watched as Edward flew into the air, giggling and laughing, and then was promptly dumped in the river. A great tidal wave exploded up around him.

_Oh. Right. _

Behind, the whole building completely collapsed.

Charlie ran along the side of the bank, looking for Edward. There was no sign of him. He stared downstream, shading his eyes, and saw a young fisherman leaning against a fern.

It had been a slow day for Embry. He'd got up at six that morning, and hadn't yet caught a single bite. He wondered if it might be anything to do with the new bait he was using. The tackle shop in La Push had started selling a new variety of worm; a jelly sort. They didn't seem to wiggle as much as his usual, and, apparently, the fish didn't appreciate them either. He sighed.

Suddenly, there was a hard tug on the line. He leapt to his feet. It felt like a big 'un. The line strained as Embry pulled, his rippling muscles tense. He dug his feet into the ground, heaving. Boy, the rez was gonna eat tonight!

Like a bird, a plane, a sparkly vampire, Edward flew out of the water, soared over Embry and crashed headfirst into the tree, stunned. Slightly surprised, Embry circled Edward, eying him like a fishwife at market, lifting up his arm to admire his pits.

"Must be a new breed," he said thoughtfully. Shrugging, he hauled him up onto his shoulders to take him back to the rez.

"Stop!"

He turned to see Charlie huffing and puffing towards him.

"Afternoon, Chief. What can I do for you?" he said, politeness on his blank features.

"Sorry, son. I'm going to have to take that boy off you." Embry looked around, confused. "I mean that fish," Charlie sighed.

"Oh." Embry dropped Edward, letting him flop onto the floor. He looked sincerely disappointed. "That was the catch of the day."

Charlie clapped Embry on the shoulder sympathetically. "Sorry. This one's a protected species."

Embry plodded away sadly, looking like a hulking but wounded grizzly bear. Immediately, Edward's eyes snapped open. He vibrated to his feet and threw himself in Charlie's arms.

"You came to see me, Honey Bear!" he cried, nuzzling up against Charlie's chest.

"You ought to watch out, kiddo," he said gently. "That guy almost made you into seafood stew."

Edward looked up innocently.

"I just came here to see my friends at the building site," he said.

Charlie broke out into booming laughter. "Your friends?"

"They're very nice. I see them _every_ Tuesday."

Charlie repressed a smile. Instead, he ruffled the boy's hair. "You know, for some reason I thought you'd be mad at me." Edward looked puzzled.

"Why for?" he asked.

"Well- with Billy yesterday…" he trailed off, embarrassed. Edward studied his face carefully.

"Who's that?" he asked blankly.

"Your memory…" Charlie laughed.

"I only remember people who are important." Edward slid his arm through his, glancing up from under his eyelashes shyly. "I'd never forget my Honey Bear."

Charlie took his elbow.

"Then let's go home," she said, smiling. "Before the builders come back with their chainsaws."

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	9. Naked Mud Wrestling

**A/N- **Hi everyone! This is the special Christmas update! (Well actually its an update that happens to fall on Christmas eve, but lets not spoil the illusion…) Here's chapter 9!

Oh by the way, me and Mini have decided to rename the town of Forks to the town of Spoons. Just to let you know.

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 9- Naked Mud Wrestling _

"-And quite frankly, young lady, I'm ashamed of your behaviour."

Bella sat moodily in the armchair opposite her two fathers, Charlie and Renee, who stared her down. She puffed out her lower lip and sat with her arms crossed, sulking.

"It wasn't me," she muttered.

Earlier that day Renee, Charlie's transvestite ex-husband, had flown in to visit Bella, finding time off at the tranny bar he worked at to have a good time with his daughter. This he hadn't found; instead he'd discovered tales of kidnappings, obsession, and a brand spanking new criminal record. And since Charlie was s poor disciplinarian, Renee realised he had to take the matter into his own hands.

"Charlie, I think she should be grounded for a month," he said.

"A month!" Bella whined. Charlie felt torn.

"But Bob, doesn't that seem a little-"

"_Renee_!" Renee snapped. "Charlie, the reason we could never agree on anything is because _you don't respect my femininity_. I am a _woman_."

Charlie pointed to the betraying hairs on Renee's chin. She hit him round the head. Bella, used to her parents' quarrels, took this opportunity to slip from the room.

Taking a deep breath, Renee calmed herself. She smiled. "I don't want to fight with you Charlie. I came here to be with out daughter. It's strange… I thought from her emails she was settling in fine… she's told me all about her boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Charlie said. This was news to him. His fingers crept, like a spider, towards his shotgun.

"I don't usually understand the lingo she uses, but she said something like; 'OME my bf Edward is sooooo hawt. Like, deadly hawt. Lol! Brb.' … what do you think that is? German? I didn't know she was studying German."

Charlie shrugged, as bemused as he was. But then his eyes narrowed.

"Did you say… Edward?" From the back of his throat he emitted a low growl.

Renee giggled, hand fluttering to his adam's apple.

"Do I detect some jealousy, dear Charlie? I take it there's some healthy father-daughter rivalry going on." He leant forward, eager for gossip. "He must be _quite_ the dreamboat. Spill the beans. What's he like?"

In reply, Charlie pointed to out the window where, in the back garden, Edward was playing.

He seemed to have in his possession the country's supply of fruit pastilles, which he was using to create a giant wobbling- but magnificent!- tower. It seemed even to reach into the clouds, as though it were a giant beanstalk, and Edward had gone to find the golden egg. Charlie could only catch a glimpse of the sparkly boy as he shimmied his way up the pastille tower.

Suddenly, Jacob came round the corner. Head down, looking miserable, as he'd been since Bella moved into Spoons. He looked up and down at the Leaning Tower of Pastilles, sniffed it, marked his territory on it, and then knocked it over. Edward came plummeting to the ground, falling straight on top of Jacob. They both growled and hissed at one another, wrestling in the mud. Edward threw his shirt off, Jacob following suit. Their trousers and underpants were thrown into the wind, Edward's sparkling gold pants billowing like a flag on top of a pine tree. They dived for one another, indulging in a game of _Naked Mud Wrestling©_. Edward slammed Jacob to the ground, trapping him in a pin, but then Jacob was up again, catching Edward in a stranglehold. And Edward was choking…fading… dying…

_WHAM! _The foot went up, kicking Jacob in the balls. He collapsed, sobbing and clutching himself. Edward took this time to run to the closet and retrieve the hoover. He switched it on and brandished it at Jacob, who put his hands on his ears and whimpered, cowering back. He ran away with his tail between his legs.

"Yes," agreed Renee, as Edward began skirting along the ground, sucking up the fruit pastilles into his mouth as if he himself was the hoover. "A _complete_ dreamboat."

He turned to Charlie excitedly, hands clasped together. "You two SO need to get together. Can I be your matchmaker? Please?"

Charlie flushed bright red.

"Here, you can have these," Renee dug out two tickets from his pockets and handed them to Charlie. "I was going to take Bella… but I don't think she deserves it."

Charlie looked at them. "Stevie Wonder concert tickets?"

"Go!" Renee insisted. "You'll have a great time."

"You sure you don't want them?" he asked, hesitating.

"Who would I go with? You?" Renee scoffed. "My dear, that would be needlessly uncomfortable for the both of us. I've gone up in the world. And there's no way I'm taking Bella. Like I said, she's grounded… I really don't know what's wrong with that girl…"

"…I guess that's what we get for buying her off that Albanian shepard," Charlie said.

"But he gave us such a good discount! … Mind you, I always thought he looked a bit dodgy," Renee admitted grudgingly. "You think its too late for a refund?"

"Seventeen years… feels a bit late to me."

Renee snapped his fingers irritably. "Damn it! We should have got a guarantee. I _told_ you we should have got a guarantee."

"Don't lay this one of me!" Charlie said.

Renee opened his mouth to argue, but abruptly, his phone rang, blasting out the first few bars of Katy Perry's _I kissed a girl._ Renee waved Charlie away, mouthing, 'ask him.' He flipped out his phone and switched it onto loud speaker.

"Hello?" he giggled.

"Hello my beautiful Rennie… it's Pedro," said a smooth Latino voice. "How are you doing, little indigestion tablet of my life? Cure for this bloated, lonely feeling…"

Charlie scowled and stomped out into the garden. Edward was just finishing the last of the fruit pastilles, and was trying to pop the last one while doing a one-handed handstand.

"Hey Honey Bear," he said, grinning crazily, managing to catch the fruit pastille in his left nostril. He was still slathered with mud.

Suddenly, Charlie felt very shy.

"Doyouwannagototheconcert-withme?" he stammered, bright red.

"Yes, the price of fish really IS exorbitant," Edward agreed amiably. Charlie blushed harder. He tried again, but it all came out as gobbledygook. In the end he had to thrust the concert tickets in Edward's hand. He frowned at them.

"Fish… backwards three… onom?" he grinned widely.

Charlie coughed and took the tickets from his hand, turning them round the other way. Edward's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Wonder? _Stevie _Wonder?" he was completely aglow.

"You like him?" Charlie asked, puzzled but pleased.

"DO I?" Edward performed a rolly polly over the grass, bouncing up to his feet. He jumped up and down excitedly. "Can we go Honey Bear? PLEASE can we go?"

"Well you'll have to check its okay with Dr Cullen first," Charlie said.

"Oh, I will! I will! Gosh, I have to go and get ready. I have to do my hair, and get my shoes- and-and-!!" Edward was hyperventilating. Charlie shook him. "Phew! Thanks Honey Bear. See you soon!" And he blew him a kiss and vibrated away, hovering like a hovercraft to the Cullen Institution. He ran inside and broke Carlisle's door down, flying into the office and skidding over the desk, knocking mugs and stationary to the floor. Carlisle quickly minimized the porn on his laptop. He took off his glasses and folded them, setting them down on the table.

"What can I do for you Edward?" he asked.

Waggling his legs in the air excitedly, head propped up by his elbows, Edward giggled. "Doctor, can I go out on a date tonight? To a concert? Please, pretty please?"

"I don't know," said Dr Cullen, frowning. "I'm not sure I like the idea of you dating so young, Edward…"

"But it's with CHA-----AAARLIE."

"Oh. Well that's okay then." He put his glasses back on and continued with his porn.

Meanwhile, Edward was on the verge of eruption.

"I've got a DATE WITH HONEY BEAR!" he cried, and like a rocket he blasted up through the ceiling, exploding through the layers of cement up two floors, and landing in his room. He span round and round like a spinning top, a Tasmanian devil, crashing into things and sending them flying. Dr Cullen gazed up through the hole that had been punched through the building contemplatively.

Edward span to a stop in front of the mirror. He stuck his tongue out at himself, and pulled unhappily at his hair.

"Need to look my best for Honey Bear," he said to himself, before grabbing a powder puff and patting himself furiously, a cloud of white exploding around him.

"It's snowing!" Emmett cried happily from the next room.

When the cloud subsided, Edward was dusted like a fairy cake. He shook his head.

"This is no good," he said angrily, and he launched himself into a fervour of self improvement. He pulled on his red PVC jacket and his sequinned trousers. His bang bang shoes and his batman pants. In that order. He combed, cut, and curled his hair, gelling it up in a magnificent quiff that like Mount Everest, reached into the sky. And he permed his leg hair- y'know, just to add to the natural curl.

But something was missing.

"Alice! Can I borrow your paints?"

*

Edward stood facing Charlie, his mouth split into the biggest grin you can imagine. It cracked across his face like the Grand Canyon. Not that Charlie could really tell where his mouth was. In fact, he wasn't entirely sure this was Edward at all, and instead some brightly painted disco ball. He seemed to be wearing a plastic raincoat with bits of mirror glued haphazardly on, with a hat with a propeller on top. Most startlingly, he'd painted all his visible skin in rainbow colours, so that he looked like a football fan for the Gay Pride Team- or else, a chameleon that got it very wrong.

Charlie looked down at his own shirt and tie.

_Maybe I underdressed_, he thought.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

**References/Crap-** In case you didn't get what Pedro was on about, Rennie is an indigestion tablet. Yup, that's the gag.

The PVC jacket Edward is wearing is based off John and Edward's suits from Diva week. The X Factor, people. If you're American and don't know what that is, it's a shoddy talent show that we have here in Britain. But John and Edward _are_ amazing. Mini Willy Wonka hates them, but his opinion doesn't matter. :)

Edward is a huge fan of Stevie Wonder. This was decided many chapters ago. If me and Mini ever get round to finishing a one-shot entitled 'Nipple Pimps' you will learn more.

By the way, if you notice any spelling/ grammer mistakes feel free to nit-pick to me. I spell check but I'm not very good at it.


	10. Bella Destroys the Fourth Wall

**A/N- **Thank you everyone for the reviews and comments! We enjoyed munching them with a side order of sherbet. Here's chapter 10, and part 1 of Edward and Charlie's DATE!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MINI WILLY WONKA; "Dear people of the world- I like sweeties just like Edward. And so does my sister. What kind of sweeties do you like? Let us know! Also, would anyone like to marry me? Please submit in a review your hip measurements and cubic circumfence of your eyebrow hair. Thank you very much."

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 10- Bella Destroys the Fourth Wall (and gets a job at Maccy D's)_

Bella flowed out of the front door, robes trailing behind her. With blossom-stitched gown and electric pink turban, she was dressed like an empress. She took one dainty step forward, putting one dainty step before the other. But despite this, she still managed to fall daintily over. Only the embrace of Mike Newton's fifteen fingers stopped her from landing on her face.

She wobbled back up like a self-righting baby cup. Mike downcast his eyes, his face cast into shadow by the veil he was wearing.

"An honour it is to touch the Mistress of a Million Soles-" he mumbled.

"_Souls_," Bella corrected him, sharply.

"The Goddess so great, her omniscience even stretches to spell checking the script-"

"Yes, yes. Get on with it. I've read this bit already."

"That I should lay my fifteen fingers on her divine body-"

"Twelve fingers and three thumbs."

"- with my unholy three thumbs- it is a privilege-"

"Beyond all measure. I _know_. Is the litter ready?"

Mike ducked his head. "Yes, your grace." He retreated back, revealing where four litter-bearers were arriving carrying a cushioned carriage between them, shaded by silk curtains. The boys were Conner, Tyler and Eric Yorkie. Eric's toenails were the fourth litter-bearer.

Crouching down onto his hands and knees, Mike allowed Bella to step up over him into the litter. He cringed as Bella's heel crunched into his spinal column. Bella shuffled in and loosened the drapes- they fell like a tent around her.

She put on her Ipod and switched in onto shuffle. Not that it made much difference; she only had the one song by My Chemical Romance. Back in Phoenix she used to lie in bed with it on loop, musing the intense agonies of life and trying to perfect the timeless medium of the suicide note. Thankfully for the overflowing mortuary- and _un_fortunately, for the rest of us- she never got it _quite _right.

No more than a whisper of a whisper; "Beeelllaaa…."

Louder; "BEEELLLLAAAA!"

"BEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAA_!!!"_

Bella took the headphone out of her left ear and frowned. Jacob had arrived; his ugly face protruded through the gauzes.

"Out!" she snapped, and palm in his face, pushed Jacob out of the litter. She heard the thump as he hit the ground.

A moment later; "Please Miss Bella," – plaintively- "can I come in?"

"Password?" Bella demanded.

"… Password?" Quizzical.

"You need the password to enter the fort."

Relenting now, but resentment dragging his voice; "Edward's nipples are huge and one is bigger than the other."

"Come in!" she sang. Jacob climbed up, wriggling under the curtains like a limbo dancer. Bella wrinkled her nose. For some reason, he was completely covered in hardened mud.

"What is it, my delightfully dirty dog?" she asked, giggling at her own alliteration. He bowed his head, looking pale.

"Mistress, at 1300 hours I received information that tonight Edward is going on a… date."

One.

Two.

Three.

"**WHAT**?" she screeched. "This wasn't in the script! With who? I'll kill the little bitch-"

Jacob blanched further. "No Mistress… it's… well it's with your father. They're… going to see Stevie Wonder in Seattle."

Bella went into cardiac arrest.

*

Renee was putting on his earrings in the top bathroom when he heard Bella arriving at the screaming abdabs. He unfurled the blinds to see Bella rolling around shrieking. Renee tutted, and turned back to the mirror to apply his favourite snake-green eye shadow. When he glanced back, Bella had gone into some kind of fit. The boys were fighting over who would perform CPR. Jacob punched Tyler in the jaw.

_Oh, she'll be alright, _Renee thought.

When Bella had been successfully resuscitated by three horny boys and ten yellow toenails, there was fire in her eyes and blood on her chin. She twitched convulsively. Renee put her elbows on the windowsill and watched all this like a mildly interesting television program.

"To SEATTLE!" she shrieked. The litter-bearers groaned.

Renee rung for a taxi. With his other hand, he pulled out a tranquiliser gun from the ironing cupboard. Sighing, he cocked it.

*

Giggling, feeling as light as though he were full of helium, Edward took Charlie's hand. Charlie smiled shyly. Overheard swung a sign that said, 'McDonalds'. As they pushed the door open, a wobbling litter came round the corner, the three young men carrying it plastered with sweat and moaning softly. They collapsed down onto the sidewalk. A young woman in glittering robes and pashmina appeared out, using the men as stepping stones to avoid a murky puddle. Jacob groaned as his face was smooshed into the water; bubbles escaped him.

"One happy meal please," Edward chirped, inside the shop. The Pakistani employee's pit-marked, spotty face scrunched in confusion. Then he looked up. Suspended only by Charlie's hand, Edward floated up by the ventilation system like a balloon.

"And a cheeseburger," Charlie added gruffly, daring the man to say something. He gulped and wiped the chip grease from his brow.

"Right away," he said.

Edward spread his happy meal around him in order of size, edibility, and amount of rat tails. He also found- to his delight- a tacky plastic Scooby Doo with moveable arms and detachable head. He ate the head.

"Says you get a different toy with every happy meal," Charlie said contemplatively, looking at the leaflet. Edward's eyes lit up like thousand-watt light bulbs.

Seven happy meals later, Edward had assembled the entire collection.

"I don't LIKE----- APPLES!" he screamed, throwing his mixed fruit bag at the attendant behind the counter- who looked strangely like Bella. She scrambled after it.

Edward pulled out a big bag of sugar and tipped it over his food, tossing the pickles, lettuce and meat behind his back at some screaming toddlers. What was left- namely, the empty buns- he filled with caster sugar. He slurped them down, picking up his Daphne figurine and banging her against the table. Charlie removed the toy from his fingers and took his hand in his. Face smothered with mustard and crystallised sugar, Edward smiled tenderly.

The moment was broken Bella shoved a wet, dirty mop in their faces.

"Free cleaning service," she said in monotone, trying to suffocate Charlie. He shoved the mop away. Not recognising her, and with a "hmph" he whisked Edward up and stomped out the shop in disgust. Edward paused to scoop up the remaining limbs of his Scooby Doo toys into his pockets.

"Thanks for the wash, Mrs Mcdonalds," he said, beaming, before Charlie dragged him away.

Bella decided to take this as final proof of Edward's undying love.

"Thanks for the wash," he had said, meaning; "Thanks for rescuing me from that pervert leech, toots," –his sultry, long-lashed eyes closing, shimmering with lust. "Mrs Edward Cullen-" he'd called her- that wayward gherkin on his brow, so sensuous, erotic… "I want _you_ to do the _sideways monster mash_ with me… Bella-"

"BELLA!" The manager was fuming. "Stop daydreaming and get back to work. This floor won't clean itself, you know."

Bella screamed at him, throwing her hairnet in his face.

"I QUIT!" she shrieked.

"…But you only started working five minutes ago."

"I don't CARE. There are absolutely zero promotion prospects in this occupation and your dental plan is CRAP. And _furthermore_, I find the dress code sexist and DEMEANING." She took off her McDonalds t-shirt and threw it at him. "I'm suing the company for MILLIONS- though even that will not abate the _pain_ I've _suffered_ at your greasy hands!" And in her trousers and bra, she stalked out the restaurant.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	11. I'll Love him and Hug him

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 11- I'll love him and hug him and call him George_

On the way to the concert auditorium, Charlie and Edward passed through a street carnival. There were ferris wheels, dodgems, walzers. Coconut shies and plate smashers. Edward was drawn-almost by magnetic force- to one stall. The seedy looking man behind the table stealthily tucked the sherbet fountain away. It was a shooting game. You had to hit the target and knock it down. If you did, you won the big prize! Sitting lonely on the top shelf, bigger than Edward, a fuzzy-wuzzy I Love You bear. Edward leant over the counter.

"Gypsy friend, how much do you charge for an attempt to…" he lowered his voice to a whisper, "win Mr Bear?"

"Two dollars," the man said impassively, exhaling cigarette smoke into Edward's face. Charlie marched up and growled at him.

Digging round in the pocket in his sequined trousers, checking his mirror-studded PVC jacket, he found his stash hidden under his whirly helicopter hat. He thrust his hand out at the man; he had a button, a paperclip, and a blue smartie. "For your two dollars I will give you a guaranteed 16th century Viennese shirt holder. A Sheffield steel multi-purpose… thingamadoodle… and-" he changed his mind and popped the smartie, eyes rattling around in his head, "and some magic money." He dropped the magic, invisible, money in the man's hand. He did not look amused. Charlie gently moved Edward out of the way and handed over the two dollars. Edward beamed as the man gave him the gun. He cocked it, put it over his shoulder, took aim, and fired. The bull's-eye. Exactly. Both men blinked.

But the target didn't move. In rapid-fire, Edward reloaded the air rifle and hit the bull's-eye again. The gypsy wiped his brow nervously. Charlie strode purposely round the back of the tent and ducked under. Behind the target boards, holding them up, were blocks of industrial concrete. He brushed past the target boards, pulled out his police gun and shot the man in the head. As the blood splattered him, he took down the bear and handed it into Edward's loving arms.

"I'll hug him and love him and call him George," Edward said happily.

*

Still in her lingerie, Bella stumbled as though drunk towards the stage door.

"Pass?" demanded the guard.

She ran a sensual hand down the guard's back and over his flabby buttocks. "I'm sure we can… come to some agreement," she said, leaning forward to lick his ear. He shoved her away, glancing at her disparagingly.

"Not with you, luv," he said. Bella shrieked and threw herself at him, tearing at his face with her nails. When she'd reduced the man to bloody shreds, she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and sobbed over him.

"I know that you loved me—but it just wouldn't work out," she sniffled, voice quavering. "I'm in love with another you see."

"UrrrrHHHHHrrrRRR—Heeeelllpppp meeee…." the man groaned.

"You're such a whore," she said, before viciously slapping herself round the face. "All these men love you, but there's only love in your icy heart for one. You're such a whore—"

SLAP

"A slut—"

SLAP

"And a bitch."

SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP

The guard had stopped groaning. In a weak voice he said, "Lady, you need help."

"Shut UP!" she screeched, stamping her heel in his face. She picked herself up, wobbling, giggling, and made her way to Stevie Wonder's dressing room. The cellotape dangled from her hand.

*

"Hey man, nice bear!"

Edward turned around and glared at the five young men in hoodies who were currently tailing them. "Don't you listen to them George," Edward whispered fervently, hugging George close to his chest. "They don't know anything. We could beat them up well bad."

Charlie, who was experiencing a spasm of guilt for blowing off an innocent gypsy's head, suggested, "Just ignore them. That sort of people just enjoy attention. Ignore them and they'll go away."

"HEY! Buttlickers!"

A vein in Charlie head pulsed.

"We don't have to take this," Edward said angrily. "I never licked any butts. Did you George? You can tell me."

"Hey, do you have any money?" the hoodies sang. "I want to spend all your money… at the gar bar, gaaaaaaay baaaaarrrr!"

"And now they're implying we're homosexuals," Edward said, astounded. George looked shocked. "But, um, do you know what a homosexual actually is? Nurse Esme won't tell me…"

George shrugged, just as puzzled by these mysteries of life as he was.

"It's alright," said Charlie, his patience stretched to breaking point. "We're almost there now. Just walk with your shoulders back, stand proud, and—"

"WE DON'T LIKE GAYS."

Edward whirled away from Charlie, advancing on the hoodies, a menacing look in his eyes. George leered at them. The boys erupted into laughter.

"Wha'cha gonna do?" one mocked. "Hit us with your teddy bear?" he made kissy baby noises at him.

So Edward hit him with his teddy bear. All two tons of it. He swung George round in a terrible spin of death, hitting the gangstas with brick of fluff and fur, sending them flying. They scattered like bowling pins. He jumped on a hoodie, battering him with George. He launched onto a guy with a spliff and slapped him silly. Frothing at the mouth Edward bit him. The remaining boys he licked into submission. They ran away, shrieking like pansies.

"Ooh, sugar," Edward said, picking up a small bag of white powder one of the boys had dropped. He snuggled George and hurried after Charlie, who hadn't noticed a thing.

"—And eventually they'll lose interest." He turned back and smiled. "There you go. They've gone. I told you that you just had to ignore them."

"Uh-huh," said Edward, playing with the tie on the bag.

"Where did you get that?" Charlie asked, gesturing to the bag of sugar.

"A nice man gave it to me," Edward said. "Cuz I like sugar.

"I'm not sure that's—"

Edward downed the bag of cocaine whole.

"Oh boy," said Chief Swan. Edward collapsed sideways into the duck pond and started quacking.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**A/N- **Gosh, there was a lot of senseless violence in that, wasn't there? Still, I'm enjoying writing Bella's descent into madness. And Edward's supposed to be the insane one!?!

I have to say something to you all; Mini Willy Wonka is a sensitive soul. He's the type that sits at the end of a bar, nursing a lone glass of sherry. Romances strangers in chatrooms to soothe his lonely heart. Writes gothic poetry musing on the agonies of life. And you've all **broken** his heart. He's had no responses to his marriage proposal at all, and let me tell you this, my brother is _heartbroken_. I hope you all feel ashamed of yourselves!


	12. Let me Squeeze your Juicy Plums

**A/N- **Good morning everyone! There's now pictures of Jasper, Nurse Esme and Charlie in my profile for your viewing pleasure. Charlie's wearing some lovely Honey Bear pants.

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 12- Let me Squeeze your Juicy Plums_

Carrying Edward in a fireman's lift, Charlie plonked the boy down in his seat in the open-air auditorium. Edward quacked and lolled forward, landing on the bald man in the seat in front.

"Just like ma little chickies eggs," he mumbled, rubbing the man's head. "You're gonna be a cute little chicky. Mama's gonna take good care 'o ya…" he planted a tender kiss on the man's blooming bald spot. Charlie quickly removed Edward back to his own seat, as the man shot them an appalled look.

"Mama's so proud of y'all," Edward muttered, eyes darting round the auditorium. He started tearing chunks of stuffing from the seats to make a nest.

"Edward, you're not a duck," Charlie said firmly.

Edward, who obviously begged to differ, said, "Quack."

Sitting back down, Charlie sighed, Edward squatting down on the stuffing and straining. Suddenly he yelled, "My chickies!"

Charlie swivelled round with bulging eyes as Edward quacked and honked at a strange entourage climbing out of a white truck, parked in a disabled space. In bold print on the side were the words, THE MAD VAN. Someone had also taped a piece of paper to the back window which read, HONK IF YOUR HORNY.

Dr Cullen clambered out, whistling serenely, and offered a hand to Nurse Esme, who was rolling out Alice from the back. They set her up straight; she was tied to a stretcher on wheels which could be set up vertically, held in place by a straight jacket (with extra straps) and muzzled for extra protection. Her crazed red eyes darting, she growled at Dr Cullen, a low, reverberating sound. Dr Cullen was too busy salivating at Nurse Esme's skimpy nurse outfit, which he'd _finally _convinced her to wear, which he'd paid so much for at that sleazy lingerie shop…. He slapped her on the bottom and chased her round the van, Esme giggling, as Rosalie stumbled out of the van drunkenly, and promptly passed out on the floor. The doctor and nurse finally regained control of their passions, and straightening her blouse and cap, she wheeled Jasper out in a wheelchair and flung Rosalie's limp body on top of him.

"URRRRRnnnn…" he groaned, helplessly.

Dr Cullen tied Emmett's reigns to the wheelchair. Emmett was a dopy looking boy who was half-man, half-bear (at least, that was how the sideshow he'd been in advertised him…) he was seven foot tall, stocky, and covered completely in soft, fuzzy brown hair. Primarily, thirty percent of which, was nasal hair. It shot out of his nostrils in great shoots that reached to his chest, which Nurse Esme carefully brushed and braided, and which today, she'd tied with blue ribbons. His hobbies were arm wrestling, being taken for walks, and licking rusty radiators. He enjoyed rust of any kind, but radiator rust was his favourite.

Onlookers stared in horror was the annual loony bin daytrip approached the stands. Emmett growled at a nearby man and he leapt promptly into a rubbish bin. The bin was rusty, so he licked it.

Edward waved them all over joyously, clapping his hands and quacking. Dr Cullen eyed him critically.

"What's wrong with him, Chief?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing," Charlie said faintly, worn out by the events of the day, and sinking down despondently into his seat. "He just thinks he's a duck, that's all. Nothing out the ordinary. Nothing to see here."

Dr Cullen flicked out a torch and stared into Edward's eyes. "His pupils have dilated. Has he taken any addictive substances?"

"Aside from the seven tons of sherbet he inhales everyday? Sure. About five ounces of wacky dust."

Dr Cullen clicked his fingers, smooth, professional, and Nurse Esme was instantly by his side, a small, padlocked safe in her hands. She reached down inside her brassiere and retrieved a small silver key, which she used to unlock the box. Carefully, as though handling nuclear material, Dr Cullen opened the lid and retrieved a smaller box. He crept down into his shirt to retrieve a smaller golden key that hung from his nipple ring. Inside the box was an even s_maller_ box. Nurse Esme stuck her hand down Dr Cullen's leather underpants and took out a tiny, diamond key. Her hand shaking, she unlocked the final box… inside was an orange. She peeled it, to reveal;

_EDWARD'S EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY SMARTIES. _

"Here you go, Edward," Dr Cullen said. "This is duck food."

"Oh goodie," said Edward, before inserting them up his nose like a slot machine. Jasper cranked his arm, and his eyes whirled; from fruit to dollars to bells, before they whirled to a stop of twin pictures of a Honey Bear.

"Jackpot," he said, before he passionately licked Charlie as though he were a lolly.

Dr Cullen chuckled.

"Well, I'm glad you kids are having a good time. When I told Alice about where you'd gone, she absolutely insisted we all go. Of course, she asked me this at knifepoint, but you didn't mean any harm by it, did you poppet? She's such a naughty girl sometimes." He reached out to tickle her nose. She gnashed her teeth, and Dr Cullen withdrew his fingers seconds before she chomped them off. "Now Alice, biting Uncle Carlisle's fingers off isn't nice…"

"How are you doing, Jasper?" Edward asked kindly.

"URN," said Jasper.

"That's too bad.

Roslie regained consciousness long enough to smash a bottle over Jasper's head.

"DOWN IN FRONT YOU CRAZY BASTARDS. IT'S STARTING!"

The man locked eyes with Alice. She licked her lips. He mumbled something and quickly sat back down. The kids from the Cullen Institution took their seats, Jasper collapsing into his chair, Emmett trying to sit upside down, his hairy legs sticking out in the air.

"It's starting, it's starting!" cried Edward. The crowd rustled with deep rich applause as the curtain began to rise. Stevie Wonder stumbled on, crashing into his piano and teetering towards the edge of the stage. He teetered back, and fell over his stool. He quickly got back up and set the stool straight, before playing the piano horrendously.

"HEEELLLLLOOOOO Edward's buttocks!" he shouted, which strangely enough, nobody found strange. Edward shrieked like a thirteen-year old girl. Stevie began singing an awful rendition of a Take That number, with most of the lyrics wrong, mashing his hands on random keys, his dreadlocks flailing wildly.

The crowd screamed and stamped their feet, cheering. Stevie hadn't lost his touch! One girl shrieked, "Stevie, I want your babies!"

Stevie promptly fell of his stool again. Shakily, he got back up.

"Okay- for this next one I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience," Stevie said. His finger travelled over the hyperventilating audience, who had all conveniently forgot that he was blind. "How about you, little boy? With the propeller on your head."

"MEEEEE?" Edward sprang out of his seat and zoomed onto the stage. He licked Stevie happily on the cheek. "How tasty you are, Mr Wonder," he contemplated.

"All the better to seduce you with, my dear." He stroked Edward's hair tenderly. "So who are here with today?"

"With my friend CHARR—LIEEEE. And my friends at the crazyhouse. Get on up here, guys!"

The stage was stampeded, Stevie trampled underfoot. Nurse Esme wheeled Alice over the top of him, leaving tire tracks slashed over his face. The screaming girls at the front took a definite step back. Rosalie cackled horribly and threw up all over them.

"And- and what's your name?" Stevie asked faintly.

"Edward!" screamed Edward, after checking the label in his pants.

"Well Edward, this is a new song which I've written just for you;

"Oh Edward I want to feel your bum/

Let me squeeze your juicy plums/

That car aerial's got a date with your hole/

What are your opinions on using a telegraph pole?"

Edward stared dreamily at Stevie, entranced. "Oh Stevie…" he murmured.

Nurse Esme sniffed, blowing her nose into a frilled lace hanky. "That was… the most romantic thing I've ever heard!" she exclaimed.

Stevie cupped his hand- his exceptionately smooth hand- around Edward's face, bringing him close.

"I really do feel that way about you, Edward. You happen to have the tightest little butt I've ever seen," and he reached out and honked Edward's bottom. The crowd gasped; Charlie hissed. And Stevie leant forward for a big juicy kiss—

Up in the stands, Renee sighed and shot Bella in the neck with his tranquiliser gun. Bella/Stevie slumped to the floor, still holding on futilely to Edward's bottom.

"Mine—mine," she gasped, before hitting the floor in defeat. A long silence followed. Edward poked Stevie with a stick.

The crowd burst into a riot.

"WE WANT STEVIE!"

"I PAID TWO DOLLARS FOR THIS, DAMMIT."

"I WAAAAAANT YOUR BABIES STEVIE!"

Fuelled by rages hormones and PMS, the girls started to smash chairs, pull down curtains. Several British tourists stormed out to file a very angry letter of complaint.

Caught up in the moment, Jasper tore down the props. Rosalie threw her bottle of vodka and lit a match. There was fire everywhere; stealthily, Alice slipped out from under her straps. Charlie grabbed Edward under his arm and ran. Amidst the flames, the real Stevie Wonder stumbled out onto the stage, his arms bound with cellotape, the empty reel dangling from his head.

"Hello!? Is anyone there? Where am I? What's going on?"

He walked straight off the stage, and went plummeting into the stands. But there he found a helping hand.

"Mr Flipsy is very happy to meet you," Alice said, helping Stevie up. "Why don't you come with us? We'll take good care of you."

"Well thank you. You're a very kind young lady…"

Alice led Stevie away, at the same time reaching down to her sock suspenders to draw a long, silver machete…

*

"I have to say, I don't know about you but I think that went quite well," Charlie said.

Edward blew bubbles at him; they were back at the Swan residence and Edward was taking a bath.

"It was the best day of my whoooooole life!" he said. "Especially the bonfire at the end! And _especially _the fireworks!"

"That was Rosalie, Edward. Your friend Jasper strapped her to a Catherine wheel."

"Oh yeah."

A battalion of submarines invaded the bathtub. The rubber ducks fought them valiantly off.

"Oh no!" Charlie exclaimed. "Edward, we left your bear at the concert."

Edward examined Charlie critically. He smiled him a sultry smile.

"You're the only bear I need in my life," he said huskily, "Honey Bear." And Edward kissed him passionately and pulled Charlie head first into the bath.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**A/N- **Guys, do any of you know the name of what I was trying to describe earlier? The thingamabob Alice is in. They put mental patients in them- like a stretcher, flat and on wheels, but you can stand 'em up. I've tried googling it, but obviously 'tall stretcher things for crazy people' doesn't turn out many results!

**NEXT TIME ON THE SUGAR QUEEN- **Edward learns the terrifying facts of life and the Cullen Institution's resident Constapation attempts desperate measures...


	13. Visit from the King of Cucumbers

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 13- Visit from the King of Cucumbers_

"I love Honey Bear, Hooooonnnneeey Beeeeaaar! And he loves meeeee!"

"Edward, would you mind stepping into my office for a moment?" Skipping down the corridors of the Cullen Institution, Edward paused. From behind his desk, Dr Cullen gestured him inside with beckoning fingers. Open on his computer was a webpage; www(dot)nurseesmewilldanceforyou(dot)com, plugged as a 24 hour strip show (red hot hot HOT XXX.)

He coughed and minimised it.

"Take a seat Edward," he said, opening his hand to an empty chair. Edward swiped the paperwork off Dr Cullen's desk and plonked himself down it, lolling backwards, almost into the doctor's lap. Dr Cullen folded his long fingers serenely over the table.

"You didn't come back last night; is everything okay?" he asked.

"I was at Charlie's house. We had a tickle fight in the bath," Edward announced proudly. "And we rolled naked on the sugar."

"Oh my."

"And then I let him lick my lollipop."

"Well I hope you used protection," Dr Cullen said.

"Huh?"

Edward stared at him blankly, before noticing the small icon minimized on the taskbar, blinking on his computer. "Ooh, what's that?"

"Well I'll show you Ed. It sounds like it's about time you learn about the birds and the bees."

He clicked it back up, and Edward screamed. He ran around the desk shrieking, clawing at his eyes, before blasting up from the ceiling- through the fresh layers of plaster- back up to his room. Writing some notes, Dr Cullen glanced up through the gaping hole.

"See you later then, Ed."

Edward was so traumatised it took him seven sugar spliffs till he was able to calm down. Even then he had to line out several boxes of smarties on the floor and hoover them up his nostrils like a vacuum. Smiling vacantly, he got onto his head and rolly-pollied into the corridor, past Nurse Esme's quarters, where he heard some very strange things.

"Yeah, Carlisle. I know you're watching. Nurse Esme only dances for you, my dirty, _dirty_ doctor."

Edward screamed again, and was forced to snort eleven more spliffs, snort four more boxes of smarties, which, added to the exploding candy he'd absorbed through osmosis earlier, meant that when he gravitated to go see Alice, he was under the misconception that he was the King of the Cucumbers.

"Please let me go," a voice whimpered through the closed door. "Who are you? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be my friend," giggled Alice.

"Then why am I chained up?"

"Because Mr Flipsy says you'll run away and leave me otherwise." Darkly, she whispered, "Everyone always leaves me in the end."

"But I have a concert tonight. How long are you going to keep me here?"

"FOREVER!" Alice screamed, hysterically. "FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER."

"…Does that mean I'll have to cancel the concert?" her captive whimpered.

The King of the Cucumbers flew through the wall. Inside, Stevie Wonder was sat on a dirty pile of straw, chained with manacles to the bed. Alice's gingham dress was stained and blood splattered, the deranged puppet on her hand. She narrowed her eyes.

"What do you want, Edward?"

"I am not Edward! I am the King of the Cucumber People!" Majestically, he spread his arms wide. Alice's mouth grew into a wide little O. She curtsied to the King.

"Who's that? What's going on?" Stevie looked from left to right, craning his ears.

The King squealed. He slid onto his knees in front of Stevie and handed him a pink magic marker. "Can you sign my left buttcheek, Stevie? Please!"

Stevie gulped. "Who do I make it out to?"

"This is the King of the Cucumber People," Alice said crossly. "You better do what he says or he could execute you."

Taking this was some kind of gang slang, and that he was in the presence of a mobster head honcho and his goon, Stevie signed Edward's left buttcheek, sweat pooling on his forehead.

_To the King of Cucumbers_

_From your friend, * Stevie ~ Wonder *_

"What's it say, what's it say?" Edward hopped around the room on one foot trying to read his left buttcheek. He finally found a mirror. "Heeeeey, it's in French!" he exclaimed, unable to read the mirror writing.

Stevie licked his dry lips, thinking fast. "It's in Cucumberese," he said hoarsely.

"Oh, of course it is," said the King of the Cucumbers, who knew this all along.

Something heavy slammed against the door and knocked it off its hinges. Narrowly missing flattening Stevie, it smacked down onto the ground. Jasper sprang across the room and sunk his claws into the lampshade, dangling perilously.

"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!" he wailed. Alice grabbed the butcher's knife from under her pillow and advanced towards him.

"How dare you enter the King's presence without knocking?" she hissed. "Mr Flipsy says you must die!" She stabbed and missed, the lampshade swinging to one side. Jasper wailed like a drowning cat, clawing deeper into the cloth shade.

"Wait, peasant!" The King cried to Alice. "This is the Royal Bumwiper. Do not slay him!"

"Nobody lets me slay anybody," Alice said sulkily, backing off.

Jasper swung from the lampshade helplessly, yowling.

"What's wrong, Royal Bumwiper?" the King asked.

"Urrrn urrrn urrrrrrrrn!"

"What'd he say?" asked Alice.

"He said we're all total loonies." Alice and the King looked at one another and shrugged.

"Urrn urrn."

"And he says Rosalie and Emmett dragged him out to play baseball in a thunderstorm. So what?"

"URRRN."

"Oh- and that they used him as the ball."

"URNNNNNNNNNNNNNN."

"And he wants to add that Rosalie forced him to eat a burning stick of dynamite. Why would she do that?"

"URRN."

"She told him it was to blow up the blockage in his anal passage, apparently. I'm not sure that was such a good idea. What do you think, Alice?"

"I don't care," she said petulantly. "Can I kill him yet?"

A strange look swept over Jasper's face; it was the face a pregnant woman makes when her water breaks, the instant before she yells, "HONEY GET ME TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL _NOW_!!!" Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

He sprang from the lampshade and squatted down onto the straw.

"_**U**_UUUURRRRRRR-rrrrrrrrrrr-RRRRRRRRR-NNNN-nnn-**NNNNNNNNNNNN**!"

And there his expression changed; washing across his face, a look of radiance, the kind of look the Virgin Mary might have bestowed on her newly born baby Jesus. It was a face of total contentment.

"Ahh," Jasper sighed. Alice and the King burst into rapturous applause. And Jasper reached down, and picked up the burning stick of dynamite. Nothing else. Burning its last, final inch.

Eyes bulging, Jasper threw it to the King of the Cucumbers. His majesty screamed and threw it to Alice, who passed it to Mr Flipsy, who had a fit and flung it into Stevie Wonder's lap.

"Hey, what's---"

The Cullen Institution rocked as though hit by an earthquake.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**NEXT TIME ON THE SUGAR QUEEN- **The story finally gains a plot! Well, we figure it's best to keep it as canon as possible, and Twilight itself doesn't find one until the last ¼ of the novel. I'm not sure Eclipse even had one, except for that bit where Bella takes Jacob home to use him as central heating cuz she's too stingy to pay for it. And then when the summer rolls around she fits Edward as an air conditioner in her car. Damn that girl is energy efficient.


	14. Let me be your Honey Bear

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 14- Let me be your Honey Bear_

Last night had been wonderful. Edward and Charlie had hit the karaoke bars; there were stars in the sky and music in the air. They'd sang the Rubettes' _Sugar Baby Love_, performed a glorious duet to Abba's _Honey Honey. _Charlie left Edward weeping with a rendition of Elvis' _Teddy—_no_, Honey Bear_.

I don't wanna be a tiger  
Cause tigers play too rough  
I don't wanna be a lion  
Cause lions aint the kind  
You love enough.  
Just wanna be, your honey bear  
Put a chain around my neck  
And lead me anywhere  
Oh let me be  
Your honey bear.

Charlie swung the microphone round his little finger and offered Edward a wink. Edward burst into tears of happiness.

In fact, they pretty much sung every sugar and honey related song in the karaoke box. Charlie wanted to do some country and western, but, Edward informed him sternly, country and western didn't nearly have enough sugar, nor nearly enough honey. It was all about cowboys and baked beans, something like that.

But that was yesterday. Now, the sunshine-rare in Spoons- flickers dimly through the window. It's the Swan residence, a lazy Sunday afternoon. Edward opens his leaves and absorbs the sherbet through photosynthesis. He's been injecting syrup directly into his veins for hours. Now, he floats up, and completes a backstroke through Charlie's bedroom window, paddling through the soft, silky air, and melts down into Charlie's bed.

"Ohhhhhhh, it's sooooo soft," he says, taking off all his clothes, sliding out of his batman pants like a sinuous snake.

The door creaks open slowly. A clawed brown paw claws its way around the side of the door, joined by a furry leg, which the figure lifts sensuously, wiggling his hairy toes. The man in the bear costume slinks in. He raises his paws.

"Grr," he says, and the two meet passionately.

*

Charlie was combing his moustache when he heard the noises from the room.

"Edward—Edward, come here—"

A giggle. "Why are you dressed like that Honey Bear?"

"Because I'm your Honey Bear and I love you—now come here—"

Outside, Charlie whistled. _Wow, I've really got the moves, _he thought, leaning his ear against the wooden door.

"Tickle war!" shouted Edward. There was a large thump, a womanish shriek.

"No tickling, Edward. We're getting down and dirty here. Now pass me that probe. There, on the cabinet."

_That's it Charlie, _thought Charlie. _Don't take no for an answer. Get in there._

"Heeey," complained Edward. "That's my nipple—"

"I just want to give you a nipple rubbing Edward—"

"I don't like people touching my nipples—"

"It's not your fault you have mutated nipples. Come on, I'll make you feel better—"

"Is that a car aerial?"

_Wait a damn minute, _thought Charlie. _That isn't me! _He burst in through the door, ramming it with his muscular shoulder, and found Bella in a badly sown bear suit with chunks of fur torn out. Most of it seemed to have ended up in Edward's mouth, who was naked. They froze. Edward looked from Bella to Charlie, back to Bella. Then with one swift kick, he booted the saboteur off the bed. She landed with a crash on the floor. Edward leapt like a ballerina to land daintily in Charlie arms, to peck him on the lips. Bella got up, dusted herself off, and walked away, disgruntled. The two lovebirds didn't even notice her go.

On the street, Bella sighed. When no one heard her sigh of infinite sadness of longing, she sighed again, louder. Still no one came to her aid; did no one care about her? She sighed again and again, louder and louder, until a concerned woman approached her and offered to drive her to the hospital, because she thought Bella was having an asthma attack. Bella cried and ran, deep into the woods, and sobbed her sorry heart out. On his hands and knees, Jacob padded up and sniffed her bum apologetically. She flicked him away.

No matter how many plans she concocted, nothing worked. She could not get Edward's love. She'd been through plans A to Z, worked her way through the decimal point system, and now only had two of Jupiter's sixty-three moons left. And who had ever heard of Operation Pasiphaë, or the clincher, Operation S/2003 J 9? She didn't even know what Operation S/2003 J 9 _was_ yet. She was tempted to skip right ahead to Uranus, which, even if it didn't work –_which it probably wouldn't, the way things were going now_- at least it would give her a few, solitary laughs.

Even her mother had abandoned her, jetting off the preceding day, snickering something about his amazing matchmaking skills, absently patting Bella on the head, and zooming Air USA style, back into the arms of Pedro.

Oh, Bella felt like putting on a white windswept dress and stumbling, anguished through the rain, her silky hair flying out behind her, in her face (though never a follicle out of place) before collapsing, exhausted, fatigued, and whispering out her last, moving words—"Edward… I love you."

Whereupon everyone would be completely miserable and wished they'd treated dear Bella- who usually now imagined herself as princess, or at least an English duchess- a damn bit better.

Either that or Bella felt like itching that growing itch, which told her it might be a good idea to burn things.

Bella shrugged and continued her walk, ignoring the boy following her on his hands as loyally as if she were his master. She ducked under the beautiful green ferns- which were too damn green!- and the clear blue river—which was damn blue! She got so angry about not being colour blind that she punched Jacob in the face, and kicked his unconscious body into the water.

"Damn colours," she said, and she punched herself in the head, reducing everything to black… which was much, much better… soon as she got home, she'd paint her room in that exact shade, and her skin, maybe even the whole world…

When she woke up, it was night, and the whole world had been painted black. Bella smiled; things were finally going her way.

She stumbled dizzily through the forest, when she came to a road. There she saw a vision, a message from above. At the end of the room was a building site, floodlit, the same building site Edward had been sabotaging for months- because he knew- knew the blight that would fall upon Spoons, the blight that Bella fell upon her knees before, like a shepherd before their saviour.

Before the gurning sign that stretched like an arch over the gilded gate, that said only one word;

Splenda©

Bella rushed in instantly to fill out a CV. She listed her hobbies as _stalking Edward, _her likes as _Edward, Edward, Edward, _and her dislikes as _THOSE DAMN COLOURS, plus sugar. _She was immediately shortlisted as a prime candidate.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**A/N- **Thank you for reading, everyone. Let us know what you think. :) Oh, and if you don't know what Splenda is, it's a sugar substitute- people use it for a sweetener in their drinks when they don't want to use sugar. It's probably important you know that.

OH, and its Mini Willy Wonka's birthday tomorrow. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMESIE!!!


	15. Bella beats the Global Recession

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 15- Bella beats the Global Recession_

Charlie took one last stealthy glance out of the window. There was no one. Zilch. The coast was clear. Furtively, he twitched the curtain the rest of the way across. The door was closed. Bella was at anger management. Good.

"Yee-haw, rubber ducky!" he exclaimed, bouncing on the pivoting tips of his toes, tapping the play button on his cassette player. Dolly Parton's dulcet tones flooded the air. "Yee-haw!"

He whipped off his bath robe, revealing beneath a pair of police-issue golden hotpants with matching holsters, a sequinned sleeveless jacket exposing his muscular arms. On each butt cheek, blazoned onto it— a silver sheriff's badge. On went the cowboy hat; "Yee-haw!"

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Chief Swan was a secret country and western fan. On Friday evenings he took secret line dancing classes; it was very discreet, for people in the know. At the touch of a button, the studio could be reverted into a harmless pet shop. The shooting range swivelled. The tavern sunk. The hapless customer would be greeted by a dozen grinning cowboys, each stroking a fluffy bunny rabbit.

Charlie had wept for joy when Edward had accepted him for what he was, saying, "Okie dokie. Now can I have lemon sherbet?" But all the same, he was terrified of his daughter finding out. Long ago, his husband Renee had dumped him for the very same reason.

"Married to a country and western fan?" a pucker of lips. A sneer. "Have you any idea what this is going to do to me? I have a reputation! Sorry toots," an exhalation of breath; "it's over." And he'd walked out there and then, leaving Charlie on his knees, on the ground. Mincing out the door. And out of his life. "If I don't get out now," Renee exclaimed hysterically, "I'm going to be stuck in the C & W scene _for the rest of my life!"_

It was all very traumatising. Hence the crippling flashbacks.

However, all of this is irrelevant. Because right at that moment, while he was jiving and yee-hawing to Miss Parton, the door creaked open. A man and a woman in ominous looking trench coats and shades stared in, appalled. Unbeknownst to this, Charlie bent down and shook his sheriff spangled buttocks in their direction. His waistcoat flew open, exposing nipple tassels which he swung, round and round. Charlie shimmered with a halo of sequins. He threw off his jacket, swung it round sensually on his little finger, and followed this all up with the funky chicken.

The goons had seen enough. They burst in; "Jesus Christ! Stop it!" one yelled, both covering their eyes.

Charlie shrieked like a woman and covered himself with bathrobe. "_Don't look at me_!" he screamed, covering his shame.

The woman chanced a look. "Chief Swan?" she enquired. Charlie thought about it.

"Maybe," he said, still undecided. "If I am, would you tell anyone about this?"

The man grinned. "That, Chief Swan, depends if you're willing to do something for us."

"What is it you want?" he frowned.

The man handed Charlie a business card. His eyes flicked down.

_The Splenda © Corporation_

_Inherently evil since 1976_

"Inherantly evil…? I'm the Chief of this town, y'hear? I'm not sure I like the sound of that." He gurned at them, trying to look threatening. It didn't really work in his current attire.

"Don't worry about that Chief," the woman coo'd soothingly. "That's just the branding."

But Charlie was starting to feel suspicious. The pair's name tags didn't help much; _Hired Goon 1 _and _Hired Goon 2_. He squared his shoulders. "You're from that new sugar factory, ain'cha? What is it you want?"

The goons hissed. "Not sugar. Splenda. Sweetener. Containing none of the poisons of sugar. Sugar _is_ a poison. To the body and to the soul."

"You don't have to give me the speel. I'm not buying anything."

"But you can help us. You work part time for Tooth Decay limited, do you not?"

Charlie puffed himself up proudly. "Yesiree, once a week. Port Angeles to Spoons. I supply the town's only source of crystallized ambrosia."

"Yes, we noticed. And we also think it might be a good idea if you stopped that."

Charlie heard the threat hiding under the calm syllables of the woman's voice. He was starting to get angry. And Charlie was not a very nice person when he got angry; rather than Edward's Honey Bear, he's more like a _grizzly bear_. "Who the hell do you think you are? Bursting into my house, making demands? Get out! Get out of here!"

The two goons remained calm. "If you know what's good for you Chief Swan, you'll do as we say. The sugar transportation needs to stop. If you do not help us, you'll stop with it."

With unnerving skill, Charlie drew his twin gold pistols from the holsters, flicking them into the air, catching them by the handles and yelling, "Dance, sonny!" as he shot up the space below their feet. They yelled and jumped, grabbing onto one another in pure panic. "The sugar dies when I do; it's my sworn duty to the kids of this town." He drove them down into the corner of the room, trapping them like wild animals. "You can tell 'em whatever you want; tell 'em I'm a line dancer, tell 'em I'm a country and western fan, _but let me tell you this_—I'll never let you take the sugar out of Spoons!"

Brutally, he pistol whipped them, again and again, till they cried for mercy.

He stepped back. "Never step into this state again," he decreed, and sobbing, they launched themselves out the window and went blundering off down the drive. He blew the smoke from the barrel of his pistol and smirked, before tentatively looking round, snapping the window shut, and turning up his Dolly Parton.

*

Bella had turned up for her interview wearing the suit she'd cut specifically for it; vertically, down the middle. The papers had asked for semi-formal dress; semi meant half, right? She arrived half an hour late, the delay, she explained, was because Jacob needed his daily beating (he absolutely wouldn't do without) and she'd made the mistake of glancing upon some photos she'd taken of Edward, whereupon she promptly passed out from lust.

In other words, it was going very well.

There was only one thing left for her to cinch the deal; "You mentioned on your CV that you hate sugar? Could you elaborate?"

"I-HATE-HATE-HATE-it-because-it's-the-reason-edward-doesn't-love-me-and-i-l-ove-him-and-we're-going-to-get-married-one-day-in-a-great-big-white-wedding-even-though-i-hate-weddings-and-have-an-absolutely-perfect-little-daughter-who-is-amazing-at-absolutely-everything-even-though-i-hate-kids-and-have-no-plans-on-having-any-and-anyway-they'd-probably-take-her-away-from-me-for-physical-neglect-and-abuse-because-i-can't-look-after-myself-let-alone-anyone-else-and-once-i-had-a-gerbil-and-put-it-though-a-shredder-for-fun-and-i'm-so- so-so-depressed-because-EDWARDDOESN'TLOVEME."

The interviewer smiled blandly at her. "So you hate sugar?"

"I detest it with a passion," she said.

The interviewer smiled and handed over some papers. "Welcome to the team Miss Swan. If you would sign your eternal soul right here."

"Hold on," said Bella, and she hesitated over the dotted line. "You have dental plan, right?"

"One of the best."

"Oh well then good." And she signed right away. Her new employee shook her hand firmly.

"You get your first assignment right away. We need someone taken out, and personally, I think you're the best person to do it. Once he's gone, the market is all ours." He held up a photograph, and a smile worked its way up onto Bella's face. She beamed.

"I'll do it."

The man in the photograph was Charlie.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	16. Daddy Must Die

Notes; Do you Twilight fans have nothing better to do than make awards for fanfiction? ESQ is up for some Silent Tear thingamabob. I could bribe you with sherbet to vote for us, but you can't give sherbet over the internet. (Shhh.... shh. The silly authors who try to give away cookies for reviews don't know that yet. Keep it to yourselves.)

Oh- and Mini Willy Wonka has changed his name to Hairy Buttocks, if anyone wants to find him. He realised someone might get a kick out of the Mini Willy bit.

There's a nice dollop of mindless violence in this chapter. Enjoy it with a nice bag of caster sugar.

_**Edward the Sugar Queen**_

_Chapter 16- Daddy Must Die_

"Oh Dad? Dad? Can you come here a minute?"

In the bathroom, Charlie was photographing himself from dynamic angles for _Moustache Weekly_, but at this he put the camera down. "What is it?" he called.

"I want to show you something!" Bella said.

Charlie reluctantly put down his custom moustache comb and trudged up the stairs to Bella's room, where the door set open.

_DING-DONG_

He turned back round. "I'll get it," he mumbled, trudging back down. He opened the door, Mike Newton bouncing in his face.

"Hi. Is Bella in?" he asked excitedly, looking around like a puppy for his master.

"Sure, in her room." Eyebrows raised, Charlie stepped aside as Mike bounded up the stairs.

"Belllllllla!" he cried happily. He pushed open her door and a bucket of knives fell on his head, spearing him like pins from a notice board. He fell down, dead.

Bella stepped out from behind the door and gave a little scream. "D-D-Dad!" she cried. "Mike tried to touch me!"

"WHAT?" roared Charlie, barrelling up the stairs with his shotgun. With Herculean strength, he lifted Mike's dead body and threw it out of the window onto the compost heap. He dusted his hands and walked away whistling. But Bella's eyes narrowed… she had to complete her task. She would do it… for Edward.

The next day, she waltzed into the living room with a mug of chilled frothy beer. "Hey Dad, this is for you," she said. Charlie, who was watching the baseball, looked up, shocked.

"Why Bells, you sure are affectionate today," he took the mug from her and mussed her hair. "I sure am glad you got over that homicidal rage. Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?"

She smiled a tight manic smile. "Men are all scum," she said pleasantly.

"That's right, doll. And you don't need any of them till you're in college and out of my house." They both smiled at one another, a brief moment of father-daughter bonding. Charlie raised the pint mug to his lips.

"Hey Bella!" came a high voice from the window. Ben was climbing in, one leg either side of the window frame.

Bella frowned. Where were all these inbreds coming from? _And why do they insist on loving me so deeply? It's such a pain. _

"Ah," said Charlie. "Here's an acceptable batchelor now. Sit down Ben."

"What about not needing men?" Bella inquired.

"Ben was born without testicles, so it's alright," Charlie said. "I think you'll make a perfect couple."

"Without testicles?" asked Bella. "How'd that happen."

"My mother is my sister who's also my brother," Ben explained.

"Oh, really?"

"I also have seventeen nipples. You wanna see?" he asked eagerly.

"You shouldn't brag; it's rude," Bella scolded him. Angrily she thought, _Well! It's the quality that counts, not the quantity_. She drooled briefly over Edward's mutant nipples.

Charlie chuckled; "Incest sure is funny, isn't it Bells?"

"Sure is," said Bella.

"Must suck being only half a man though eh son?" Charlie said.

"Sure does sir. Now, if you were a eunuch in ancient Persia at least you would have been able to bathe naked women in warm olive oil."

"Wouldn't you also have your balls hacked off with a rusty knife?" Bella said sardonically.

Ben shrugged. "You win some, you lose some."

"And of course," pondered Bella, "there's also the fact you'll never be a father, can't satisfy a woman, and will be constantly laughed at for sounding like Mickey Mouse."

Ben started sobbing. "At-at least women like clean-shaven men," he choked.

"Actually," said Charlie, fingering his silky moustache, "_Moustache Weekly _says facial hair is back in."

"Then I have nothing" Ben wailed. "Nothing!" Charlie patted him on the back sympathetically.

"Here—have a swig of this," Charlie offered, handing him the beer. "It'll make you feel better." Ben snatched it from him and downed it in one, tears rolling down his smooth face. Bella sighed irritably and took a step back, as Ben swayed and fell dead onto the carpet.

"Oh dear," said Charlie. "Is he alright?"

"The shock of such a manly drink must have finished him off," said Bella, frowning at the corpse. "You should have offered him a baby shandy, or a vodka and coke."

"You don't think it'll be classed as murder, do you? Only it would look bad if the Police Chief got done for murder, wouldn't it?"

Bella shrugged slyly. "You might get off with manslaughter if you have a good lawyer."

They both stared at the body.

"Hey, you don't think he really has seventeen nipples, do you?" said Charlie.

After Charlie tearfully tried to hand himself in on account of Murder by Guiness, an inquiry was held over whether the suspect was lying, and it had actually been Stella Artois. Also, whether those shoes went with that hat. They let Charlie go because, no, they didn't, and they couldn't deal with a murder case when an emergency roadtrip to the shopping centre in Port Angeles was urgently required.

Meanwhile, Bella was still plotting. The Splenda Corporation wanted her father dead, and having researched her background—a repressed childhood in Albania where her parents had tried to eat her and she'd blown away the whole village with a tommy gun—they knew she was the perfect person for the job. Renee and Charlie were tight bastards; you should never buy an orphan on sale day.

But everything was not running smoothly for Bella. _Those damn inbreds should butt out_! Unfortunately, several, including Tyler had more than one butt to butt in with. Dressed in camo and dangling perilously from the tree in the backyard, she blew a poison blowdart at Charlie, which ended up getting stuck in one of Tyler's three buttocks as he bounded past. Believing himself in some way responsible, Charlie tearfully handed himself in again.

"It must have formaldehyde in the new carpet!" he sobbed. "I should have been more responsible!" The other officers waved him away; they'd forgotten the parsnip sauce in Port Angeles and were against the clock before the town luncheon with the mayor.

While rooting through her father's room for ideas, Bella came across a willy wangling belt. She turned this up from _tickle_ to _wild wangle_ to _hardcore hard-on_ to _WARNING THIS SETTING IS TOO HIGH_. Unfortunately, Eric Yorkie discovered the contraption and decided it might be fun to strap onto one of his Volkswagen-toenails.

The following afternoon, Charlie found him slumped in ecstasy in the bathroom, long gone, and had a nervous breakdown due to guilt. He spent a whole week in the paddling pool convinced he was a Siamese fighting fish. Dr Cullen eventually managed to coax him back out onto dry land. "After all, what a way to go eh?"

Jessica ended up with one of her two heads in the microwave; the other never got over the loss. Sam tripped the trip wire and landed in the pirana pit. Billy Black had a close encounter with a Stannah Stairlift, but lived to tell the tale. Quil wasn't so lucky and died from escaped killer bees. Charlie went back to the paddling pool and Dr Cullen booked him in for a month's holiday in the Cullen Institution. On the plus side, Edward was very happy.

"You can live on my shelf, Honey Bear," he chirped.

"Glug glug glug," said the Honey Bear, flapping around on the carpet.

Bella, however, wasn't nearly as pleased. _What are they doing together_? She thought anxiously, knawing on her nails_. I've forced them together, and they're lovers… what if they're…?_

She had to get rid of her father, once and for all. Before they could take their relationship to the next level. Climbing onto the roof of the Cullen Institution in her cat suit, grappling hook over her shoulder, she slithered over a skylight. She heard peculiar noises from underneath. She squinted, but the glass was all steamed up.

"Glug… glug glug."

"Oh yes!"

Bella went pale. "They can't be!" she screamed, and slipped and smashed through the skylight, landing in a pile of glass on the lino floor of the bathroom. Edward was sitting on the edge of the full bathtub in Charlie's fishing gear, several smarties on the end of his line. In the tub, completely naked, Charlie was splashing like a fish and jumping, Free Willy style, for the bait.

"Whoah Nelly!" cried Edward, as Charlie latched onto the hook. "Here comes a big one!" Her father dangled in the air, limbs flopping.

Bella covered her eyes. "Ew." Then she pulled out a pistol and fired. Charlie watched dimly; "Glug?" But Edward's eyes widened.

"HOOOOONNNEEEEEY BEEEAAARRR!" he wailed, leaping across the bathtub in front of Charlie. The bullet hit him squarely in the chest. He fell; splashed down into the water. Charlie's eyes cleared- he screamed. And Bella took a step back, shaking. She dropped the gun with a clatter.

"What… what have I done?"

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	17. Jacob's Dog Days

A/N- Does anyone here play littlebigplanet on the ps3? My brother's after friends to play with and asked me to put out a public announcement. :P He's Hairy Buttocks if you want to add him as a friend on there. I'm Crusty Bum.

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 17- Jacob's Dog Days_

Edward's lip quivered.

"H-Honey Bear…" he whispered. In the bathtub, Charlie clutched him close.

"It's going to be alright Edward," Charlie said fiercely. "It's going to be alright."

"It- it won't," Edward stuttered. "She- she-" he pointed an accusing finger at Bella, "she ruined my lollipop!" From under his fishing jacket he withdrew the remains of a giant swirled lollipop, splintered and smashed, bullet wedged through the middle.

"That was my emergency supply," he sniffed.

Bella collapsed with relief. "Thank god!" she cried.

Still the accusing finger was pointed at her. "You tried to hurt Honey Bear! And you ruined my lollipop. I hate you!"

It hit Bella like a physical blow. The words rebounded in her ears. _I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!_

"No; don't say that!" she cried, wrenching her ears. "You love me!"

Charlie stood up, eying his daughter warily. "Bella, you need to stop this."

She turned on him. "And you! You! You stole him away from me. You're my dad, and he's a mental patient. It's wrong, it's disgusting… it's just not right!"

But despite her assertions, the words just kept on ringing; _I hate you!_

"Nooooooo!" she screamed, tugging at her hair. She staggered to her feet and flew from the room, crashing into walls, knocking against the banister as she stumbled over the stairs. She fell out into the street.

"My men—assemble!" she screamed. But the roads were silent, the streets empty. At last, Jacob plodded towards her, alone.

"Where are the others?" she demanded. He shook his head.

"I'm the only one left. The others are all dead."

"Dead?" she screeched. "Don't they know what an inconvenience that is to me-"

"You killed them Bella." She stared. Jacob had never interrupted her before.

"Well surely there's one or two-"

"No. There's just me."

"Quil?"

"Thirty pounds of ex-lax."

"Well how about Embry?"

"Elephant stampede."

"Paul!"

"A pair of rubber wellies, corkscrew and a tea towel."

She thought about it. "Oh! I remember now. It was quite funny wasn't it? With the cork screw up his-"

"No, Bella. It was not funny. You do realise these boys were totally devoted to you, and you used them."

She shrugged. "They were only inbreds. Now come on Jacob. My father has poisoned Edward against me, and I need your help to-"

"I'm not coming."

She was stunned. "Why not?"

"Because I'm tried of being your slave. Being your dog."

"I'll give you a ride in the truck," she judged.

He looked sorely tempted. "No! I won't let you fool me again," he said, throwing his head aside defiantly.

"You can put your head out the window and bark at other dogs," she said slyly.

He started to drift. "And you'll let me sniff passers by's bums?"

"Let's not push it," she said, cross. He snapped away.

"I won't fool for your lies this time Bella. You're always like this. You pretend people mean something to you and you use them. You don't care about me at all!"

She exhaled a long, soul-moving sigh of defeat. "Fine. You can sniff the postman's butt. But you're not getting anywhere near _mine_."

"You see!" he exclaimed. "This is what I'm talking about. I don't care about sniffing bums- not that much anyway… - what I want is for you… for you to show you care for me."

"I suppose I am fond of you," she admitted. "In a way."

Jacob shook his head violently. He took off his spiked collar and threw it to the tarmac.

"It's over," he said. "I'm leaving you Bella." He stalked away down the street. Bella started off to him, but jerked herself back.

"Yeah well, I don't need you anyway. I don't need anybody! I—I'm fine on my own."

_I hate you! _

_I hate you!_

_**I hate you!**_

She whimpered and crouched down onto the ground, arms circling her knees. She rocked to herself.

_I'm all on my own, _she thought. _Do they all… really hate me?_

_x  
_

It burst out of Jacob unbidden; a long, mournful howl.

Bella had played him like a fool. Used him as public transport. Whipped him like a dog. But, all the same…- _I still love her. _

He wandered despondently down the dark streets of Spoons, glancing back to the floodlit Cullen Institution. It was suddenly rocked by an explosion.

"NO EDWARD- NOT THE EXPLODING CANDY…!"

Jacob sighed and trudged away. He needed something to take his mind off the heartbreak. Another girl with great curves, soft skin and just the right amount of armpit hair. Or if Bella had a daughter that would also be good. Then he could just worry about the pedophile allegations instead of Bella trying to kill him all the time. That would make and interesting subplot. Though, really, who the hell would write something disgusting like that?

**Clunka- clunka- clunk**

Fly tipped in an alleyway, Jacob discovered her in a pile of old junk. Abandoned on the top of several pizza boxes, a clunky out of date fax machine. It finished printing and spat the piece of paper into his hands. He looked down to read.

Hey baby,

Looking for a good time?

Jacob wriggled his eyebrows. "How much?"

**Clunka-clunka-clunk, **the fax machine coughed and spluttered.

For you sexy,

Fifty dollars.

He hesitated. "That's a bit pricey," he complained.

You cheap bastard.

This is for my FULL services.

Five dollar student discount.

"I'm not going to catch anything from you, am I?" he asked warily.

A VHS player gave me ink blockage;

He was such a slut.

Jacob tutted sympathetically. "Times are hard," he said.

And now all the boys are into those DVD player bitches,

I barely have enough money for paper.

"I hear you babe. My girl left me for a gay sugar addict." He sniffed.

Less talk

More xxx

Ride me like a rodeo

You bastard.

Jacob glanced either way down the deserted street, then picked up the fax machine and skedaddled into the back alley.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	18. How to cook Stevie Wonder

**A/N; **Woop woop woop welcome back guys! Got some more news for you; me, my brother and some friends are making AN EDWARD SUGAR QUEEN MOVIE! *Rolls around on the ground and goes crazy like Edward* We've put two episodes up already, and the next will be coming soon. Please check it out on my profile!

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 18; How to cook Stevie Wonder in seven easy steps_

With her hair pulled back under her bonnet, apron tied tight, Alice looked like an angel in the kitchen. With expert skill from her years of practise, she sliced the carrots and the parsnips, grinding onto her dish a little rosemary.

Then she slammed open the oven door, and kicked Stevie Wonder in.

"Alice!" Nurse Esme said, aghast. "Did you just put a man in the oven?"

"Oh don't worry Nurse," Alice said sweetly. "He's free range."

"Alice," she said sternly. "This behaviour is unacceptable. You can't just go around killing and cooking people-"

"But he died of natural causes."

"What natural causes?"

"Dynamite."

Nurse Esme pulled Stevie Wonder out of the oven where he was basted on a tray of cranberries and glazed with honey. Alice had even stuffed his mouth with a russet apple and piled a meringue on his head. If it wasn't for the whole cannibalism thing, Nurse Esme would have been very impressed.

She checked his pulse. Most surprisingly, he was still alive.

"Alright, where did you get the dynamite from?" she asked.

"It wasn't mine," Alice said petulantly. "Jasper had it stashed up his bum."

"_Jasper_!" He started up from the chocolate log he was preparing, his eyes round and innocent.

"Urnn urnn urrn!" he protested.

"He says Emmett put it up there," Edward translated. He was busy icing a cake covered in smarties and hundreds and thousands. He had written in green icing;

I wuv yoo Charlee

And surrounded it by little hearts. But he was having trouble not eating it now. "Mnn, needs more sugar," he said, pouring the whole bag on top.

"Emmett," Nurse Esme chastised. "Why did you put dynamite up Jasper's bottom?"

"Uh but Rosalie made me do it," he said dimly.

"Rosalie; explain yourself!"

Rosalie shrugged. "It was funny," she said. Jasper growled and jumped on her, and the two of them wrestled on the ground, biting and scratching.

"Alright, break it up!" said Nurse Esme. "And Alice, help that man!"

Alice grudgingly took the apple from Stevie's mouth. She threw it over her shoulder and it landed in Emmett's casserole, which he'd been making with painstaking care. He'd even lovingly laid a tuft of his own nostril hair on top. The apple splattered it everywhere, and with a roar Emmett jumped into the fray, grabbing Jasper and Rosalie and smashing their heads together like pumpkins. Edward hopped onto the counter and watched, till he got bored and yawned, taking out a TV guide from his pants and flipping through it.

Mr Flipsy whispered something into Alice's ear. She glared accusingly. "Mr Flipsy says you're all lying to me," she announced. Everyone stopped fighting; people generally listened to Alice when she had her steak knife in hand. "He says the reason I can't remember my past is because you erased it with your demonic experiments. But he remembers! He says I was in an asylum with padded walls. You can't keep it from me anymore."

Nurse Esme petted her gently. "That's because you were in an asylum- this asylum, and you'd just assassinated the president of France. You can't remember because of the electric shock therapy."

"Ah!" said Alice, pointing the finger at Esme. "Your evil experiments! You tampered with my brain; it's why I can see the future."

"You can't see the future, dear," Esme said wearily.

"Then how do I know?"

"Know what?"

"That you're all going to die?"

Alice leapt onto her, keening like a native American war chief. Emmett threw Rosalie out of the window with a huge smash, while Jasper kicked him in the backside. Edward looked at his empty wrist, sighed, and picked up his cake, and flew out of the window on the skyhook he was having installed between the Institution and the Swan house. Unfortunately it wasn't finished and he was forced to pull the emergency parashoot at the crossroads. He wriggled out from under the canvas to see in surprise, Jacob pulling up on the curb next to him. He was driving a pimped up hummer with suspension like a trampoline, bouncing up and down and throwing the inkjet printers and fax machines in the back up several feet in the air. They were smeared with lipstick and shoved into fishnet stockings. One even had a feather boa piled haphazardly on top, knocked out of place by the bunny hops.

"Hey Ed," said Jacob, pulling off his cool looking shades, tucking them into his neon green hoodie. Edward growled and thought about where he had left the hoover, but Jacob raised his blinged up hands.

"Yo dude, I'm here to make peace," he raised two fingers. Edward puzzled and shook them. "I don't want to fight with you anymore Edward. Those days have got to end. I'm not with Bella anymore."

Edward thought about this. "Who?"

Jacob chuckled. "Alright, to say I'm sorry I'll offer you the services of one of my girls, free of charge." He leant in close to whisper. "Try E9217; she's the least glitchy."

Hey baby,

printed the printer.

Ready for the wildest night of your life?

"Can you do corporate letterheads?" Edward asked excitedly.

I can do a lot more than that, honey…

"Business cards?" Edward gasped.

Well…

"OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY INVITATIONS?"

"Edward, I think you're missing the point here," Jacob said, frowning.

But Edward wasn't listening; he bounced around the path screaming, "Letterheads! Letterheads!" before springing on his heels out of sight.

"Well, at least he's got the right idea," Jacob said, before flicking his fingers. "E9217, pass me the shit."

I can't; I'm a fax machine,

faxed the fax machine.

* * *

Nobody was home.

Edward wilted down to the floor, the cake slipping out of his fingers as he folded like an accordion. There was a knock at the door. He quickly inflated himself with a bicycle pump. "Honey Bear!" he cried, floating out into the corridor and bouncing against the ceiling. He flung open the door.

It wasn't his Honey Bear. It was Goon 1 and Goon 2. They both looked up. Edward pulled a leaflet out from his underpants.

"Do you want… pizza?" he asked.

"No, we're here to kidnap you," they said.

He pulled out another and licked it. "Curry? From the Taj Mahal Curry Emporium?"

"No. We're here to—"

"Do you want to buy this," he threw off his shirt and threw it at them. "D you want to buy that?" he flung his trousers. "Half price on pants!" They landed on the woman's face. "House insurance? Car insurance? Underpants insurance? Very useful, that one. Covers everything from little accidents to nuclear diarrhoea —"

"No," said the man crossly. "We just want to kidnap you."

Edward put his thumb in his mouth. "Double glazing?"

Hired Goon 1 picked naked Edward up and tossed him over his shoulder like a sack, walking off down the path.

"Avon lipstick or gloss?" Edward said desperately.

***TO BE CONTINUED…**


	19. Violence in the Office

**A/N- **This is the second to last chapter folks. After this is the finale, then a short epilogue... Buttocks and I feel like the story needs to be wrapped up soon. But if you're still looking for an ESQ fix, the third episode on youtube should be up soon. :D

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

**19**

_Violence in the Office_

When Charlie came home from his weekly sugar delivery, whistling as he slammed the truck closed, he found his front door hanging off its hinges. A note had been speared to it with a letter opener.

_Dear Chief Swan,_

_We have your boy lover. If you want him back, hand over your sugar truck._

_Love, the Splenda Corporation._

Charlie screwed up the note in his hand, trembling with rage. "Those bastards…"

He strode into the house, where a smashed cake was splattered across the floor. He could just about make out the writing in icing; _I wuv you Charlee_, it said. A tear came to Charlie's eye. He had to get him back. He swung his shotgun up to his shoulder, and glanced up to Bella's room. She hadn't been herself lately, holed up in her cupboard eating pom-bear crisps.

"Bella?" he called. He got no reply. She must have been sleeping. He climbed back into the truck and slammed the door. In his job, as always, there wasn't time to think. Police Chief Swan was on the job.

* * *

Bella staggered into the Splenda offices. She'd gained several stone since Jacob left her, and her breathing was heavy and laboured. Her butt cheeks grinded together as she lumbered forward- the sound was a bit like an elephant farting.

She'd shaved her hair into a crew-cut and hand pierced her tongue, nose, nipples, fingernails, kneecaps and moles. She'd also had Edward's face tattooed onto her right buttock. Plodding in wearing a potato sack, her co-workers greeted her cheerfully.

"Hey Special Agent Bella," Jeanette said. Bella glared, her face wrinkling like a baboon's rump. Jeanette had always thought she was prettier than her. Well, she'd soon see— Bella had 'forgotten' to give Jeannette her favourite Spongebob pen back. Hah! Take that, bitch.

She got a drink from the water cooler and sat down at the computer, secretly checking her emails and writing a long gushing love letter to Rolf Harris, surfing for pagan pendants, and playing Farm World.

Then her co-worker Joe looked over and said, "Hey Bella, did you know they brought that kid you like in? Y'know, that Edward guy."

Bella narrowed her eyes. Personally she thought Joe a little too eager to show his skills to the boss, and he wasn't that much of an evil henchman anyway—**WHAT**?

"Edward!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, they're gonna exchange him for your father's agreement never to deliver sugar again." He chuckled. "Being evil sure is fun, eh?"

She knocked him out with a fax machine.

"Sure is," she said.

Hey!

said the fax machine. Bella swivelled round to stare.

Violence in the office

is a serious and unspoken issue;

You should respect your co-workers.

"No," said Bella, kicking the unconscious Joe under the desk.

Damn this shit.

I'm going to work for Jacob.

At least he pays his whores in coke.

The fax machine jumped onto a trolley and wheeled off round the corner. Bella sniffed. "Jacob," she cried, her three chins wobbling, "I could have been your whore, working for coke!" Then she got over it. "Oh well, Edward's nipples are bigger anyway." She bounced down the stairs to the medieval torture chamber, wobbling like an audience member on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Downstairs, Edward was handcuffed naked to the wall, feet kicking in the air. "Would you like to buy my belly button fluff?" he bellowed.

"Be quiet!" said the goon, zapping him with a cattle prod.

"Moooooooooooo…!" moaned Edward. "Pant insurance? Last call on pant insurance. Skin from my foot? Last call on skin from my foot." He pulled his leg up and tore a chunk of crusty skin from his sole. "Nice and crunchy; come and get it."

Bella strode down, grinning like a demonic clown. The goons screamed, but she would give them no quarter. Edward was hers.

"On second thought, can I take you up on that pant insurance?" a goon squeaked.

* * *

Charlie crashed the truck into the Splenda building, plaster and debris falling like snow. He jumped out in gold hotpants, wielding twin pistols.

"Put your hands in the air and hand over the boy!" he exclaimed. But when the rubble settled, he found the building empty. The only trace of life was a dreary drum beat, floating up from the basement. Following it, pistols clenched tightly in his hot little hands, he came across a scene of utter carnage.

The Splenda henchmen were slumped down, looking moody and wearing black, giving each other skull and pentagram tattoos with a knife and mascara. A CD player was belting out some funeral tune. Charlie puzzled, pointing the gun at them.

"Where's Edward?" he demanded.

"Gone," said the president of the company, while slitting his wrists. "Just like all of the love in this world is gone."

"She took him," said one of the goons, while painting the walls black. "She showed us the ultimate truth, just before she took the insurance salesman away."

"And I never got to buy any pant insurance," said another man, miserably. "I suppose it's my fault. My mother always said I was never forward enough. And I could never make up for my failures at school. Once, in science, I got a D…" He took a knife and stabbed himself in the neck.

"Who?" said Charlie. "Who took him?"

"Our special agent," said the president. "She taught us that the meaning of life is suffering, and the only thing we can look forward to is death."

Charlie raised an eyebrow. "What about sugar?"

"What does sugar matter?" the president wailed. "Nothing matters! Nothing! Nothing except wearing black and purple stripes and wearing your fringe over one eye. Special Agent Bella taught us that."

"Bella?" Charlie said. "Did you say _Bella_ was here? Gods, what did she do?"

"She put on this CD. They're called _My Chemical Romance_. I've already bought their poster from Ebay. Oh boy, their singer is a cutie." He quickly went back to looking depressed. "I mean— I hate everything."

Sweat poured down Charlie's neck. Bella had Edward. And he had no idea where they had gone! He had no leads. He asked the president, but he was busy downing a whole bottle of aspirin. At the last minute, gasping, he handed over a small piece of paper. Charlie stared, his eyes popping out of his head. How had things come to this?

_~ You are cordially invited ~_

_To Edward and Bella's Wedding_

_~ In Las Vegas ~_

_Bring wedding presents or I'll kill you!_


	20. It's me or the sugar

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Chapter 20- It's me or the sugar_

With the sugar truck crashed into Splenda headquarters, Charlie caught a ride with Jacob, squeezed into the front with Jacob's new girlfriend, an Icemaster2000 fridge, complete with temperature gauge and ice cube maker. "Baby, she's ice cold," said Jacob, and he wriggled his eyebrows. "But I know how to make her melt." Alice and Jasper were in the back, sharing with thirteen ditzy fax machines all printing to one another excitedly. Stevie Wonder was crammed into the boot. Everyone had been invited to the wedding; the mad van was behind, with Billy Black following in a rocket powered wheelchair.

"So when I woke up, she'd shoved an invite though my doggy door," Jacob was explaining. "And you know, I'm cool with it. For a while I was bitter, but now I just want her to be happy."

"She kidnapped Edward and is forcing him to marry her," Charlie said bluntly.

Jacob burst into laughter. "She just doesn't take no for an answer, does she?" He spoke of Bella fondly, like a pesky puppy one has learned to love.

"I hope I get to cut the cake," Alice piped in. "I love cutting."

"Why am I even here?" Stevie Wonder whimpered.

"Urrn urrrn urrrn!"

"Shut up you brats or I'm turning this hummer around and going home," Jacob snapped, grating his teeth.

"I wanna go to Disney Land," Stevie Wonder whinged.

They drove in silence.

"Urrrn," Jasper moaned, doubling over.

"Heya fella, do you want a laxative?" Charlie said. Jasper looked perplexed. Handing it over, Jasper popped it into his mouth and swallowed.

In the blur of the bright lights of Vegas, Jacob pulled up at the Elvis Presley chapel. The mad van pulled in after, Rosalie staggering out and throwing up on a passing bride. Emmett had plaited his nose hair for the occasion. Nurse Esme had them all on leads, and whistled and gave hand signals to passers by so they would give them a wide berth. As Charlie leapt out of the hummer, Billy Black pulled up in the disabled parking space.

"Eddwwwaaarrrddd!" Charlie cried, rushing into the chapel. He pushed open the doors, and flew into the dressing room. Edward, stark naked, screamed, and covered his nipples with two lollypops. He regarded Charlie.

"Oh, it's you Charlie. You can look." He blushed like a bride and lowered the lollypops.

"Edward, I'm here to rescue you. Come with me before Bella comes back."

"No can do." He reached down nonchalantly and put on his veil. "I'm here to get married."

"But why?" said Charlie, puzzled.

Casually Edward applied a tube of orange lipstick to his nostrils. "Because I love Bella. She's nice and her head is so shiny I can see my face in it."

Charlie felt like his world had imploded. He could feel his heart breaking into seven different snazzy colour coded pieces. "You… you love her more than me?"

He dabbed on eyeliner to his eyebrows. "She's my new Honey Bear," he chirped.

Charlie sobbed aloud. "I knew it wouldn't last long… but I let myself believe! I was such an idiot!" He flew out of room crying, and sunk down into Billy Black's lap. Billy, picking his nose in the car park, licked his lips.

"He wasn't right for you," Billy said, stroking Charlie's head. "You deserve better."

"But—" Charlie said, "I love him! I really do. He's my whole world…"

"You'll get over him," Billy said tenderly. "All you need is someone to help you forget…"

"Like who?" Charlie sniffed.

"Like a certain sexy bugger with a certain disabled parking permit." He flashed out his permit and swayed his hips. Swiftly he jumped on Charlie and kissed him roughly, the cowboy flailing. Charlie raised his knee and mashed his potatoes, Billy falling back crying.

"Don't push it mate," said Charlie, storming off.

Charlie went to sulk in a corner. Really, he couldn't believe what had happened. After all they had been through together, and Edward had… dumped him. Callously. Without even caring. But he supposed it was to be expected. Edward was a young man, Bella a young whale—no, woman. Why would he choose an old timer like him? Yes, he must be the responsible one and support their decision, for Edward's sake. But couldn't have Bella played fair? There hadn't been any cat fighting or naked mud wrestling for Edward's love at all. Damn it, he'd scratch the bitch's eyes out. No, no. She was his daughter…

Why did love have to be so complicated?

The wedding would be starting in a few minutes—an express wedding, it wouldn't take long. He'd grin and bear it like, like any real man should. He sat down sullenly in the pews designed like 50's diner chairs, a jukebox playing Heartbreak Hotel. Charlie sobbed as his heart was breaking. He saw Renee coming in on Pedro's arm, dressed like a Vegas show girl. Emmett and Rosalie were smashing each other over the head with the chairs. Jasper looked even more uncomfortable than usual; he rushed outside to a nearby porta-loo.

Suddenly _Suspicious Minds_ started playing, and Bella cantered down the aisle, wearing a tux bursting at the seams and plastic Elvis hair. Edward danced up behind her, naked apart from his veil, twirling up the aisle, his whangdoodle slapping against his thighs. At the alter, Bella grabbed his hand and smiled with bliss. Charlie didn't' think he'd ever seen her happier. It brought him back to the days working in Renee's tranny bar, Bella plastering her bedroom walls with photographs she'd taken of the local homosexuals.

"Aren't they beautiful…?" she'd whispered, enraptured.

He hadn't paid enough attention to her, since she'd come back to Spoons. He'd only been interested in himself. It'd have to change…

…But since when had Bella got so fat?

"Uh-huh-huh," sung the Elvis impersonator, bursting out from behind beaded curtains, a bible in his hands. "We are gathered, uh-huh-huh here today to celebrate the sexy union of Bella and Edward."

Renee blew his nose in his hankerchief. "I'm so happy!" he sobbed.

"Bella, do you take this sugar queen to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do! I do!" cried Bella.

_I just have to let him go_… thought Charlie.

"Edward, do you take this, uh-huh-huh, Honey Bear, to be your wife?"

Edward thought about it, before he flung off his veil and caught it in his mouth, swallowing it down in a gulp. He doubled over and groaned. "It doesn't taste like sugar," he moaned. Bella nudged him in the ribs. He rolled onto the ground and kicked his legs in the air. "I want sugar! _Sugar_! You promised me a sugar church!" He ran and bit into the jukebox, before he yelled in pain, holding a bloody tooth in his hand. "Ow…" he said, as fat tears ran down his cheeks. "I got a boo-boo."

"Edward," Bella said impatiently, "you have to answer." Edward licked her, and ate the wedding rings.

"I NEED SUGAR," he bellowed. "You promised me sherbet!" He scrambled up into the church rafters like a spider monkey and started bleating like a sheep.

"I'll give you as much as you want later," Bella snapped. "Just marry me, dammit!" She screamed and pulled at her clothes.

"Sugar!" he yelled. "I am the _Sugar Queen_!"

Charlie looked to Dr Cullen for help, but he and Nurse Esme were busy kissing lustfully against the diner counter.

It was then Charlie realised—Bella had bribed Edward. That was it! He didn't love her at all.

"Stop the wedding," he said at once. "This union is a lie!" Everyone stared at him. Bella frothed. Edward jumped down the rafters, squatting like a frog. As though he was an owl, he cocked his head.

"Edward," Charlie said tearfully, "who is it you want, me, or Bella?"

He looked between them, Bella whistling and going, "Here boy! Here boy!" and Charlie, who wriggled his wang around a little. Then he strode purposely past them to the five-tiered iced wedding cake. He dabbed a finger in, considered it, and swallowed the whole cake in one big gulp.

Then he ran up and jumped into Charlie's arms. "Honey Bear," he said, nuzzling his nose. "Can I have sherbet now?"

"Yes you can Edward, yes you can," Charlie cried.

"I love sugar, but you're still second best Charlie. I don't love her," he pointed to Bella, "At all." He leant in closer. "Actually, I still don't know who she is. Is she Mrs Santa?"

Charlie laughed joyously and embraced him tight. "That's good enough for me!" he said.

"Let's get married Honey Bear," Edward said.

"Oh Edward, I will, I will! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!" The crowd cheered, stood up and clapped. Emmett started a Mexican wave.

"You can't just leave me," Bella said abruptly. Charlie and Edward had forgotten all about her. But she was not to be forgotten; she tore off her clothes and rolled around on the floor. "I love Edward! Edward! Edward!"

"Oh, you'll get over me honey," said Edward, turning away to passionately lick Charlie.

Dr Cullen approached, adjusting his trousers. "You're free to go Edward; you don't have to stay in the Cullen Institution any longer."

"Doctor, am I cured?"

"Yes, you no longer have rabies."

"Hooray!" cried Edward.

Dr Cullen turned to Charlie, as he watched Bella twitching on the floor. "This also means we have a vacancy opening up. Would you…?"

"Yes," said Charlie, firmly. "I think it would be for the best."

"Nurse?" called Dr Cullen.

"Oh, yes Doctor," said Nurse Esme, hauling Bella away to the mad van to pick out her size straitjacket. Bella went quietly, mumbling and dribbling to herself.

"So, uh-huh-huh, are we doing this?" said the Elvis impersonator.

"Wait," said Charlie. "The truth is Edward, I haven't been entirely honest with you. I need to show you my true form…" He pulled out a stopper from under his armpit, and his muscle suit deflated with a farting sound. He unclipped his girdle, and his beer belly swelled out like Mt Fuji. He peeled off skin coloured cellotape behind his head, and his seven chins bounced out.

"Yeah," he said sadly. "All those doughnuts in the office got me good."

"I don't care," Edward said vehemently. "I have a secret too. I am really…" he unzipped himself, and he was actually a monkey smoking a cigar. "Sergeant Snuggles, from New York zoo." He even wore a little tux, and swung a pocket watch round his little finger.

"Edward," Charlie said, tears spilling down his cheeks, "I'd marry you, whatever you looked like. You'll always be my Sugar Queen."

"Oh! And you'll always be my Honey Bear, Honey Bear!"

The impersonator read the vows, and both Charlie and Edward said, "I do." They kissed, and the guests went wild. Alice stabbed Rosalie and wheeled her out in a wheelbarrow. Emmett jumped on the Elvis impersonator and wrestled him like a bear. Jacob and his fridge embraced… and Stevie Wonder snuck away quietly round the back…

"But Edward," Charlie said sadly, "I'm always going to be second best to the sugar, aren't I?"

Edward thought about this, scratching his armpit with his monkey paw. Then he did something he'd never done before, and shared some of his sherbet. "We'll snort it together, Honey Bear." Tapping it out in lines, Charlie and Edward had a straw each. They snorted, and their eyes widened. They began to vibrate on their feet. As Jasper exploded out of the porta-loo in a blaze of brown, arcing like a rainbow over the chapel, and into the stratosphere; "Wooooo-hooooooooooo…!" And Edward took Charlie's hand. Vibrating up and down like jackhammers, they zoomed away into the lights of Vegas, the newly crowned sugar king, and Edward, his queen.


	21. Epilogue

**Edward the Sugar Queen**

_Epilogue_

Striding down the corridor of the Cullen Institution, Jacob heard someone screaming. He hesitantly opened the door to Bella's room, her padded cell where she was rolling around in a straitjacket, tearing at a stuffed dog with her teeth. She looked up and it dropped from her mouth.

"Oh, hello Jacob," she said pleasantly. "I was just drinking blood."

Jacob pulled up a bit of padded floor. "Why's that Bells?"

"Because I am a vampire goddess but I do not drink human blood. Edward taught me that, before we got married and lived happily ever after."

"Bella, Edward's married to your dad."

"Lies!" Bella screamed, clutching her head, before she smiled vacantly again. "I was so happy I got to tell Dad I'm a vampire; it would have been a hassle to slaughter him and hide the body."

"Bella," Jacob said, firmly, "your dad is in the county prison because the RSPCA found him in a latex suit flogging a monkey."

"Oh no," she said sweetly, "my father is a straight-talking police chief. He'd never do anything like that. You must mean someone else." She stared blankly, and said suddenly, "You know Jacob, I think I would have gone out with you, if I hadn't met Edward. You were my destiny, but Edward was not meant to exist. He's a power greater than destiny…"

"He's a monkey smoking a cigar."

"He's a vampire! But I know Jacob," she sighed dramatically. "I'm sorry. But please don't ask me again- I'll always love Edward more."

"It's alright. Me and IceMaster2000 got engaged."

"Shut up! You're my backup plan. You're not allowed to get involved with other… electricals."

"Alright Bella, whatever you say." He petted her hair, and she purred appreciatively. "I've brought you something to read. It's Stevie Wonder's new autobiography; _I was kidnapped and bound for several weeks but I still don't know who by. _Sounds like a great read, eh?

"Sounds great," she said, throwing it over her shoulder. "But Jacob, you have to see _my _autobiography. Dr Cullen says he thinks writing it might help me."

She threw down a huge book stapled together clumsily, all written with wobbly red crayon. "I'm going to write sequels, too," she said happily, bursting with pride.

Jacob leant down to examine it. "But why did you call yourself that?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm incognito, silly! If I told the whole world, they'd come and get me with pitchforks! You think I have time with all my great sex with Edward to kill all those people?"

Jacob chuckled. "Well it looks great Bella. Well done!"

He smiled at her, and she chortled and rolled over so he could tickle her belly, giggling delightedly.

Bella's had entitled her book _Twilight_.

* * *

**The End

* * *

**

**Hope you all enjoyed Edward the Sugar Queen! There may be a sequel at some point, but if you're still up for some sugary fun we've got our movie online. Episode three will be up soon- there's been some delay owing to the fact Edward keeps taking his clothes off during filming and there's no way his ass is going online! On the plus side he will be playing Nurse Esme. I'm much looking forward to his Dirty Doctor routine. **

**Please check out our other collaborations if you have time; we have much badassary in 'Badass Farmers', and coming soon; 'Final Fantasy XXX RED HOT!' **

**Ta for reading. Now get out that lemon sherbet and snort it, dammit!  
**

**Love, Crusty Bum and Hairy Buttocks.  
**


	22. SPECIAL: Meet the Swans

**A/N-** Welcome back everyone! This is the Edward Sugar Queen christmas special. Me and my brother love this series far too much to give it up, so I also come bringing tidings of joy. There is going to be an Edward Sugar Queen sequel! - The New Mooning. So stay tuned.

**Meet the Swans**

Edward swung at him naked from the lampshade.

"Chaarrrr-liiiiie," he said, dangling with his legs round the power cord. "Today Bella taught me how to use something called the _internet_."

Charlie staggered in; he'd just had some awful news and was so exhausted even his moustache was wilting. "That's nice Edward," he said, making a beeline for the settee and the evening's game. But Edward's arms extended like a Mr-Stretch doll and reeled him back like a fishing line.

"Here comes a big one!" he exclaimed, before licking him happily. Charlie decided it would be better to give up.

"How was your day Edward?" he said.

"Great!" said Edward, beaming. "Me and Alice played Kill Chase and I helped Emmett scrape the rust out from the bottom of the septic tank. Also I googled you."

"WHAT?" Charlie's heart pounded in his chest. He thought, _Maybe he didn't see… maybe it's okay…_

"I never knew you were called 'Big Jugs Charlie,' Honey Bear."

_Oh nellyfudgekins. _

Edward put his thumb in his mouth and regarded Charlie curiously. "There were some very funny photos of you there Honey Bear. Why were you and those other men all naked?"

"Ah—B-B-Because sometimes it's fun to get naked!"

"It sure is!" exclaimed Edward, twirling around upside down. "It's so much fun to have a breeze up your privates! But…" he paused and inclined his head. "Why were you and the other mens rolling around on top of one another and making funny noises?"

"We were- were- were doing naked wrestling! Sometimes it's fun to do naked wrestling and take videos of it."

"Oooh, it does! Can we do a naked wrestling video too Honey Bear?"

"NO!" Charlie yelled, blushing furiously. Edward began to cry, his tears filling up the living room like a reservoir.

"This ain't wonderland," Charlie warned him.

"Okay, sorry Honey Bear," said Edward, stopping. Charlie waded through the front door to let the water out. It gushed out like a river; several cats rode an antique wardrobe out into the street where the neighbours were gaping and taking photos. Charlie glared and slammed the door in their faces.

"What I mean is Edward, you don't want to do a naked wrestling video. It's not very that much fun…"

"_You_ seemed to be having a good time," Edward pointed out.

"WE'RE NOT DOING NAKED WRESTLING," Charlie said, face red.

But Edward wasn't listening; he pulled out a stack of photographs from his buttocks and showed them to Charlie. He pointed, and said, "Why is Officer Plodston doing that with your winkle?"

Charlie snatched them off him. "I think I better keep hold of these for you," he mumbled deliriously.

But Edward only pulled out more. "And why are these mens all piled on top of you like a big fun game of jenga?"

Charlie took those too. "It was a big fun game of jenga," he said, feeling faint.

"And why does Officer Plum have a powerdrill up his bottom?"

"That's not a powerdrill, Edward…"

Charlie slumped down into the settee. Edward slid down like a cat from the lampshade and bounded into his lap, purring.

"Looking at those pictures makes me feel all tingly," he said, nuzzling up to Charlie. "And it makes the hairs on my bum stick up."

"Are you sure you weren't wrapping yourself up in foil and hanging around near that big magnet again?"

"Oh yeah," said Edward. "That was probably it." He reached up and licked him capaciously. "You look so sad Honey Bear," he said, pouting. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," said Charlie sullenly.

"I must warn you Honey Bear that there is a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which Spoons has never seen before. So you better talk."

Charlie sighed. "It's just that… my parents called earlier. They're coming to visit."

Edward stared. "You have parents?"

"Everyone has parents Edward!"

"Mr Rubber Ducky is my parent!" Edward pulled out a rubber duck from his behind. "Hi Dad! How's it going?" He pulled on a deep masculine voice. "'Hello son, did you do your homework?' No I didn't Dad, because I'm a baaaaaad boy! 'Well you better do it son, or you'll get a good hard spanking!' No Dad, don't get the bamboo rod, please! I'll do my numeracy right away! Ahh, not the belt! Stop! My bum is bleeding! Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Edward thrashed around on the floor, whacking himself with the duck and screaming. Charlie stared.

"Is that what you're like with your dad, Charlie?" Edward said, suddenly throwing himself back into the sofa and lighting up a lollipop. He took a long smooth breath and exhaled. "Oooooh yeah," he said.

Charlie thought about it. "Well, apart from the duck thing, pretty much." He sniffled. "He always hated me because I never became a laywer." He paused. "That and being a queer boy."

He stood up, suddenly determined. "But this time, I'm gonna make my daddy proud. I'm going to pretend that I'm a big-ass lawyer!"

"What does having a big bum have to do with it?"

"Look, Just don't show those pictures to my parents, okay?"

"Why not?"

"They don't approve of… man jenga."

"But it looks so fun!"

"…"

_DING-DONG_

"Holy Heinz on a string! They're here. Quickly, put these away, and put some clothes on, dangnabbit!" He thrust the photos at Edward and rushed to the door. He just had time to comb his moustache and tuck in his neon green thong, plastering a huge fake smile on his face as he opened the door. He was greeted by two huge blobs. His mountain of a momma wobbled in and pinched his cheek.

"Hey boy you're looking a little peaky. I cooked yer up yer favourite; chocolate curry pizza pie." She shoved the casserole dish into his arms.

"Now Momma, you know I don't eat that stuff anymore. It ain't good for you…"

She stabbed a podgy finger in his chest. "You shut up and eat it. Your Daddy didn't feed you up to be the fattest boy in Texas for nothin'. You were in record books; now look at ya. You look like a skeleton. Sometimes I'm ashamed to be your momma."

She jiggled into the living room, and Charlie's father, Mr Swan stepped inside, with his hands in his jeans, his magnificent moustache swallowed up by rolls of fat. He looked Charlie up and down disapprovingly.

"Still a skinny-ass queer boi, I see," he said, before giving him the cold shoulder. Charlie wilted even further. He trudged into the living room, where his parents were criticising everything they saw.

"Not enough mooseheads," said his father.

"Or shotguns," said his mother.

"Not one damn single American flag!"

It was then that Edward decided to make his appearance. Crawling on the roof, using his hands as suckers, Charlie was thankful that he'd decided to don some clothes. Though, he wondered why he'd picked one of Renee's old dresses. He even had a blond Marilyn Monroe wig and lipstick smeared across his cheeks.

"This way I can still have a breeze up my privates," he said happily, before jumping down and bouncing on Charlie's mother. "You never told me your parents were trampolines!" he said, performed a somersault on his father's beer belly. "Wa-hoooo!"

"Edward, can you get off my parents please?" Charlie said, his head in his hands. Edward bounced down and lit up another lollypop.

"Charlie, who is this?" his mother exclaimed, ruffled and angry.

"Oh… this is just my friend, Momma," Charlie said weakly.

"I'm Edward!" screamed Edward.

"And why the hell is she smoking a damn lollipop?" said Mr Swan.

"Hey, don't hate on it till you tried it," Edward said with narrowed eyes.

Charlie's father shook his head. "Looks like you're still hanging around with damn weirdoes. Why can't me and your momma ever be proud of you son? I mean, what does this gal's parents think of her?" he gestured to where Edward was wriggling around on the carpet like a serpent puffing on his lollypop.

"My father is a duck and he beats me with a belt when I don't do my numeracy," said Edward.

"Sounds like a top man," said Charlie father. "And the thing I regret the most is that I didn't do the same to you. Mighta stopped ya from becoming such a damn queer."

"My father isn't a man. He's a duck," said Edward. Mr Swan ignored him.

"And to think—ya could have become a top-notch lawyer. And you became a _pig_."

"Not just that- _a sugar delivery man_!" added Edward. "And a rootin-tootin one at that!"

Mr Swan did not look incredibly impressed.

"But Dad," Charlie said desperately, "I _am_ a lawyer, just like you wanted! I do… law things!"

Mrs Swan looked up, pride glittering in her eyes. "Is that really true? My little boy is a lawyer?"

"Yeah, he's a _big-ass_ lawyer!" said Edward.

Mr Swan looked at Charlie in a new light. "You're a lawyer son?" He clapped him on the shoulder. "Why, I always knew you could do it! We always believed in you, didn't we Virginia?" Mrs Swan nodded furiously. "We're so proud of you!"

There were tears of happiness in Charlie's eyes.

"Next you'll be telling me that you got remarried!" said Mrs Swan.

"…What?" said Charlie.

"Well I told you I expected you to get remarried by the time you were forty, didn't I?"

"Yeah, and not to another queer-boi transvestite like last time, y'hear? His father added.

"Believe me, I had _no idea_ that Renee was a man," Charlie mumbled.

"So, where is she?" said his mother eagerly. "Where's your lovely new wife?"

"Well…" Sweat broke out on Charlie's forehead. He looked around desperately. Edward was doing the bum shuffle on the carpet. "Well, she's right here!" he exclaimed, his voice breaking. "This is my wife! That's right; I married Edward! I remember now."

Edward looked at him curiously. "Well," he said, "We _did_ get married…"

Mrs Swan pulled Edward to his feet and embraced him like a sister. "It's so nice to finally meet Charlie's new wife!" She wriggled her eyebrows secretively. "So… any lovely cute grandchildren on the way?"

"You already have a grandchild, Mom. Bella."

"Yeah, but she's a weirdo," Mrs Swan said dismissively. "When we call you I don't even understand what she's saying. What the bejeebers do omg and wtf mean? And did you say she's in a mental institute now?"

"She believes she's a vampire."

"My point exactly. So get busy and make Momma some cute snugly-wuggly mentally-balanced grandchildren. The type we can feed up to become bouncy balls of lard and win the Texas child obesity award with."

"That wasn't an award, Mom," said Charlie. "The doctor said I was the fattest child he'd ever seen and if I didn't lose any weight I'd face health problems for the rest of my life."

"IT WAS AN AWARD."

But Edward's face was glimmering. He took Charlie's hands tenderly and said, "Honey Bear, could we really have a baby?"

Charlie was on the verge of an atomic eruption, but he gritted his teeth and smiled. "Sure," he said. "Lots of bouncy balls of lard for Grandma here."

Putting a finger to his lips, Edward said, "But how?"

The whole room stared.

"You mean… you don't know how to make a baby?" said Mrs Swan, flabbergasted.

"Well, I thought the storks carried them in little white bundles and delivered them to all the mummy and daddy animals in the zoo…"

"That was in _Dumbo_," said Charlie.

"No, I'm pretty sure it was in real life."

"Charlie," said Mr Swan. He was glaring now. "Are you saying you and your wife have not even _consummated_ your marriage?"

Charlie gulped. "Well, I guess not. But—"

"You must know that marriage in not official in God's eyes _until_ it is consummated."

"But- but—"

"No buts!" said Mr Swan. Mrs Swan tutted. "Now get in that bedroom and do your duty towards God!"

Edward looked at Charlie, putting his lollypop out on his nipple with a sizzle. "What do they want us to do Honey Bear?"

Charlie's lips were so dry he felt like he would turn to dust. "Naked wrestling," he said.

Edward thought about it. "God wants us to do naked wrestling?" he asked.

"Get in there queer boy and make us some bloody grandchildren!" Mr Swan yelled.

Five minutes later, Edward and Charlie lay side by side in his bed. Charlie's parents sat in chairs by the side, leaning forward and watching intently. The clock was ticking very loudly.

Edward pulled out a sherbet fountain from underneath the duvet and started snacking. "Is something supposed to happen yet, Honey Bear?" he asked.

Charlie had turned to stone. Edward tapped him; he really _had _turned to stone. He knocked on his forehead. _Clonk- clonk! _"Anybody in there?"

Apparently not.

Edward leant back and lit up his liquorice.

Mr and Mrs Swan made encouraging 'go on' gestures, so Edward licked him all down the side of his face, leaving a trail of sugary saliva. Charlie's head turned with jolting cranks as though he were a robot. His eyes were red and bloodshot.

He was thinking; _!_

And Edward was thinking; _Boom shakalakakakaka boom! Shakalakalaklakalka boom boom!_

Then he vanished. His empty skin flopped slid off the bed, and Mr Swan swore he saw a monkey in a tux with a cigar swinging out of the window.

"Oh my!" cried Mrs Swan. "Your wife! Has she fainted?"

Charlie was so relieved that he slumped down into a dead faint himself.

When he next came to, there was a grinning girl with a knife leaning over him.

"Oh good, he's awake!" said Mrs Swan. "Dear, one of your neighbours came to visit. She seems like a lovely girl."

Alice was smiling and completely covered in blood.

"Mr Flipsy says he has enjoyed meeting your parents and will enjoy killing them even more," she said.

"Lovely!" Mrs Swan exclaimed. "Such a lovely girl!"

Charlie sat up quickly. "Where's Dad?" he said.

"Oh, Alice and him were playing tie up in the basement a little while ago. I haven't seen him since then."

The door banged open, and Charlie hurried down the stairs. He heard muffled yells, and clicked on the light. Mr Swan was tied up to a chair, a rubber ball stuffed into his mouth.

Charlie quickly untied him.

"Boy! What the hell was that lass playing at? She tried to kill me!"

Alice had followed him down. She swayed vacantly and said, "Come back and play anytime, Mr Swan."

Charlie placed a quick telephone call to the Cullen Institution, and Dr Cullen came to pick her up.

"Oh, I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, did you poppet?" he said, mussing her bloody hair.

"I'll kill them next time," she smiled.

He laughed jovially. "Oh, I'm sure you will! Now come and you can have some cookies in my office."

Charlie slammed the door after them. He was fuming; this visit couldn't get any worse.

"And in THIS one, he's playing man jenga with the boys at the station." Charlie turned slowly. Edward was back in his skin and sitting with Mr and Mrs Swan in the living room. And, he was showing his parents the photograph album, including the newest pictures from the computer, which he'd stuck in and labelled. Mr and Mrs Swan were furious.

"I KNEW IT!" Mr Swan screeched. "That damn queer boy! He's gonna get it!"

They noticed Charlie standing in the doorway, a vacant look on his face.

He could only think of one thing to say. "I'm a lawyer," the words floated out from his dry lips.

"A big-ass lawyer!" Edward parroted. "And this one is of him and Officer Plodston. But why did you decide to do press-ups with him on your back, Charlie? For fun?"

There was only one thing for it. Charlie took off at a run.

"Oooooh, let me chase!" Edward bounded up from the sofa and chased him down the street giggling.

"Leave me alone Edward!" he said.

"I love it when you play hard to get, Honey Bear!" he cried.

Mr and Mrs Swan were huffing and puffing at the back with pitchforks.

"You damn homosexual!" Mr Swan shouted. "You're gonna be in a world of pain when I get hold your scrawny ass!"

"BIG-ASS!" yelled Edward delightedly.

It was hard, Charlie knew, to be in love with a sugar queen.

END


End file.
